Wondering........

Wondering...........


This past month has been like a roller coaster, With more downs than ups......
The downs ave felt like they ave gone underground not only down..
My mum has just been down country (6hr drive away) to visit my Uncle (her brother) who has Cancer,
Its not looking too good for him an she said she had to go just incase......
This makes me soooo sad, an breaks my heart to think that he is going through all this its been almost 2 years since he was first diagnosed an he's not given up but he's been realistic an starting to do things he wants to do b4 he dies, this makes me so sad an to think i might not get to see him b4 he goes!
Mum wants to go in the oct half term holidays wiv everyone but I will be in NYC then so how am I ment to go?

An things aren't to good wiv my Money at the moment ether, its just as if my head has been to full with the rubbish of the past that i blocked out everything I had to do! To tell the truth I only just pulled my self through going to group with out even thinking about anything else!!
An i got so far behind in payments for my car that I had to give my car bk, That was hard to admit to anyone an my mum wonders why but I just couldn't talk!!
I don't talk, some times to anyone, it all gets locked up inside till my heart breaks an i collapse, with exhaustion!
But my bro comes home today the day my mum comes bk from the south an he has only gone an brought her a brand new bike!
Ok maybe i'm being a wee bit selfish but he didn't even ask if i wanted to put anything to it! He's got it as an early birthday present now its made me feel like the failure in the family, LIKE I'M CRAP!!!
What makes me feel CRAP is when we brought Mum some flights to her friends in Spain I was going to buy the flights my self 4 Christmas present but rather than looking like the one wiv all the money coz i could afford it then I asked Carl if he wanted to put into it!!
so Now i feel Crappy like I ave nothing an he's rubbing it in so much it HURTS!!
Am I in the wrong to feel this way?
x