Today.............
For the 1st time since I finished Group I went back to Survive Coffee Morning and I am sooooo Glad I did even tho I paid alot on car parking which I hating doing but had to coz I was running late, I went and By god do I feel good for going!
I am soooo Glad I took my self & Pushed my self to go coz I feel good now!
I am hoping to go next week too as i know if I manage to get this job I am interviewing for Next month I won't be able to go for along time, So I am glad I am able to make the most out of it now while I am here!!
Life Is changing and I'm excited for the change am excited to start again to see some new beginnings again to live an learn again to begin again!!!
Am starting to see the light at the end of this extremely long tunnel I have been traveling and that brings me joy an happiness!
I don't feel the looming shaddow I once felt surround me an consume me, I feel light shining through now its a new beginning I hope! An to have hope Is amazingly wonderful
Love you all
Please Take care
xx
Monday 10 September 2012
Monday 27 August 2012
One Step And Each Day as it comes..............
I, even tho at times lately have felt like I've hit rock bottom, I'm coming out the other side for sure!!
I just have to take Each Day As It Comes & One Step At A Time!!
That's my biggest lesson an I guess at times i'm still learning it!
But thats ok tooo, Even tho we don't know it or realise it we are learning from each day an thats something to be proud of!!
I have an amazing trip planned for Very Soon to a city I have been dreaming to visit/live since I was a little girl!!!
I guess Dreams do come true......................................
(Well visit maybe live another time)
If I can make this happen then I guess i can make other things happen an that makes me happy coz I am starting to believe in my self again
...................****I BELIEVE IN MY SELF AGAIN****......................
wooooop wooooooop
To me this is sooo big, to start believing again,
to start trusting again
I truly didn't think I would see the day
and that what make me a survivor
I survived the trauma
I can survive the recovery
The Healing journey maybe LONG
It maybe it can grind on for miles across weird wildish space
But its my healing story/journey
and I will make it
No matter what!!
The people I meet along my way so far have been amazing, wonderful, generous, brilliant, smart, brave & super Joyful Heart friends & sisters and thats helped me more than words can say or even start to repay,
So I pay it forward (Pay it bk by paying the wonderfulness done upon to me forward on to those who need it)
Pay it forward people you never know that next step could save someones life, could bring them bk to life.............
An don't take everyone for granted as you may find you could wake up with out them one day an you've not had time to say thank-you or goodbye!
I even I LOVE YOU..................!
Ok peeps please take care of your self
an keep taking deep breaths when you need to and don't forget to talk...
((((((HUGS))))))
from Yorkshire (in the UK)
xXx
Friday 8 June 2012
Wondering........
Wondering...........
This past month has been like a roller coaster, With more downs than ups......
The downs ave felt like they ave gone underground not only down..
My mum has just been down country (6hr drive away) to visit my Uncle (her brother) who has Cancer,
Its not looking too good for him an she said she had to go just incase......
This makes me soooo sad, an breaks my heart to think that he is going through all this its been almost 2 years since he was first diagnosed an he's not given up but he's been realistic an starting to do things he wants to do b4 he dies, this makes me so sad an to think i might not get to see him b4 he goes!
Mum wants to go in the oct half term holidays wiv everyone but I will be in NYC then so how am I ment to go?
An things aren't to good wiv my Money at the moment ether, its just as if my head has been to full with the rubbish of the past that i blocked out everything I had to do! To tell the truth I only just pulled my self through going to group with out even thinking about anything else!!
An i got so far behind in payments for my car that I had to give my car bk, That was hard to admit to anyone an my mum wonders why but I just couldn't talk!!
I don't talk, some times to anyone, it all gets locked up inside till my heart breaks an i collapse, with exhaustion!
But my bro comes home today the day my mum comes bk from the south an he has only gone an brought her a brand new bike!
Ok maybe i'm being a wee bit selfish but he didn't even ask if i wanted to put anything to it! He's got it as an early birthday present now its made me feel like the failure in the family, LIKE I'M CRAP!!!
What makes me feel CRAP is when we brought Mum some flights to her friends in Spain I was going to buy the flights my self 4 Christmas present but rather than looking like the one wiv all the money coz i could afford it then I asked Carl if he wanted to put into it!!
so Now i feel Crappy like I ave nothing an he's rubbing it in so much it HURTS!!
Am I in the wrong to feel this way?
x
This past month has been like a roller coaster, With more downs than ups......
The downs ave felt like they ave gone underground not only down..
My mum has just been down country (6hr drive away) to visit my Uncle (her brother) who has Cancer,
Its not looking too good for him an she said she had to go just incase......
This makes me soooo sad, an breaks my heart to think that he is going through all this its been almost 2 years since he was first diagnosed an he's not given up but he's been realistic an starting to do things he wants to do b4 he dies, this makes me so sad an to think i might not get to see him b4 he goes!
Mum wants to go in the oct half term holidays wiv everyone but I will be in NYC then so how am I ment to go?
An things aren't to good wiv my Money at the moment ether, its just as if my head has been to full with the rubbish of the past that i blocked out everything I had to do! To tell the truth I only just pulled my self through going to group with out even thinking about anything else!!
An i got so far behind in payments for my car that I had to give my car bk, That was hard to admit to anyone an my mum wonders why but I just couldn't talk!!
I don't talk, some times to anyone, it all gets locked up inside till my heart breaks an i collapse, with exhaustion!
But my bro comes home today the day my mum comes bk from the south an he has only gone an brought her a brand new bike!
Ok maybe i'm being a wee bit selfish but he didn't even ask if i wanted to put anything to it! He's got it as an early birthday present now its made me feel like the failure in the family, LIKE I'M CRAP!!!
What makes me feel CRAP is when we brought Mum some flights to her friends in Spain I was going to buy the flights my self 4 Christmas present but rather than looking like the one wiv all the money coz i could afford it then I asked Carl if he wanted to put into it!!
so Now i feel Crappy like I ave nothing an he's rubbing it in so much it HURTS!!
Am I in the wrong to feel this way?
x
Sunday 27 May 2012
Change & Asking Questions
Change & Asking questions
I know as time passes I'm growing, I'm changing and I have come to accept YES I was Sexually Assaulted and No it wasn't MY fault not one bit! This is one of the hardest if not the hardest bit i have ever had to face the fact I am not to blame and that I am not alone!!
But I have, Don't get me wrong its still not easy but I feel I'm moving forward in some way!!
This year is one hell of a challenging Year but I will climb this mountain like I've climbed all other mountains even if its hard I will get there!!
But i still ave a few nagging questions going round my head big style....
ONE) Do I confide in my mum an Tell her all?! In the hope that she reacts better than I think
Two) Do I go and confront The Teacher (My old Head of year) who I tried to confide in all those years back when it happened, when He tried to RAPE me?, Do i find that teacher an ask him why he didn't do more?, I've blocked half of that memory out and I remember trying to tell him coz i trusted him but i felt alone and unable to talk, I didn't ave the words!! Or did he do as much as he could coz i couldn't talk!! coz i felt alone!! I felt dirty!! Part of me just wants to e-mail him an ask him or talk to him face to face an ask him! Why he didn't push me to talk about it?
I really want to ask him this but I am sooo scared of his reaction or in the worst case the fact He does NOT remember it at all? I don't know whats worse the fact he doesn't remember me or that or him telling me to get a life!!
Maybe i should just get the courage to e-mail him, as i know even tho its 13 nearly 14 years ago he still works at the same school! I feel I need to heal more and talking to people about it an those people i trusted at the time who i now feel didn't do enough!! But what if it was me who didn't do enough?! Maybe i should ave pushed more or talked more to him? Yes i know its not my fault that it happened but maybe i'd have healed earlier if i'd pushed or talk more!!
I just don't have all the answers and I soo wish I did!!
I know as time passes I'm growing, I'm changing and I have come to accept YES I was Sexually Assaulted and No it wasn't MY fault not one bit! This is one of the hardest if not the hardest bit i have ever had to face the fact I am not to blame and that I am not alone!!
But I have, Don't get me wrong its still not easy but I feel I'm moving forward in some way!!
This year is one hell of a challenging Year but I will climb this mountain like I've climbed all other mountains even if its hard I will get there!!
But i still ave a few nagging questions going round my head big style....
ONE) Do I confide in my mum an Tell her all?! In the hope that she reacts better than I think
Two) Do I go and confront The Teacher (My old Head of year) who I tried to confide in all those years back when it happened, when He tried to RAPE me?, Do i find that teacher an ask him why he didn't do more?, I've blocked half of that memory out and I remember trying to tell him coz i trusted him but i felt alone and unable to talk, I didn't ave the words!! Or did he do as much as he could coz i couldn't talk!! coz i felt alone!! I felt dirty!! Part of me just wants to e-mail him an ask him or talk to him face to face an ask him! Why he didn't push me to talk about it?
I really want to ask him this but I am sooo scared of his reaction or in the worst case the fact He does NOT remember it at all? I don't know whats worse the fact he doesn't remember me or that or him telling me to get a life!!
Maybe i should just get the courage to e-mail him, as i know even tho its 13 nearly 14 years ago he still works at the same school! I feel I need to heal more and talking to people about it an those people i trusted at the time who i now feel didn't do enough!! But what if it was me who didn't do enough?! Maybe i should ave pushed more or talked more to him? Yes i know its not my fault that it happened but maybe i'd have healed earlier if i'd pushed or talk more!!
I just don't have all the answers and I soo wish I did!!
Thursday 22 December 2011
I'm all mixed up........
At the moment I HATE living here.............
At mo my bro an his family are living with me & my Mum, so thats 6 of us in one house, Me, Mum, My bro, his other half & my niece & Nephew.
An I hate living here now they've moved it
1) Jess (my brothers other half) hardly does anything yet i work flat out at 2 jobs and go to work with a cold & chest infection and she is taken to bed wiv what i would say was hardly even a cold!!
2) I feel like a stranger in my own home, some days so alone, as if its all my fault!
3) They (not my mum) are so inconsiderate of others, they make noise when other r trying to sleep, leave others to clean up after them do i need to go on......
And this is tearing me up inside I am starting to feel sooooo low and I don't ave a clue what to do about it, Normally I know when I start to get low what to do about it but this Lowness can't be fixed with tablets 4 depression coz the main factor of cause won't change 4 some time!!
I can tell them how i feel but then I'm made into to the guilty party!!
I try to talk to my mum but i hate putting her in the middle it breaks my heart to see mum up set!! I love her sooo!!
I am crying writing this and all I want is a giant HUG
I feel so alone........
Like the world is against me, like everything i do is wrong & like everything is my fault, an as a survivor my other feelings of guilt coming flooding back an it hurts even more!! An i don't know where to stand or what to do!
I'm sorry 4 this negative post but i needed to get it off my chest.........
Love to you all guys
Keep well
HUGS
xXx
<3
At mo my bro an his family are living with me & my Mum, so thats 6 of us in one house, Me, Mum, My bro, his other half & my niece & Nephew.
An I hate living here now they've moved it
1) Jess (my brothers other half) hardly does anything yet i work flat out at 2 jobs and go to work with a cold & chest infection and she is taken to bed wiv what i would say was hardly even a cold!!
2) I feel like a stranger in my own home, some days so alone, as if its all my fault!
3) They (not my mum) are so inconsiderate of others, they make noise when other r trying to sleep, leave others to clean up after them do i need to go on......
And this is tearing me up inside I am starting to feel sooooo low and I don't ave a clue what to do about it, Normally I know when I start to get low what to do about it but this Lowness can't be fixed with tablets 4 depression coz the main factor of cause won't change 4 some time!!
I can tell them how i feel but then I'm made into to the guilty party!!
I try to talk to my mum but i hate putting her in the middle it breaks my heart to see mum up set!! I love her sooo!!
I am crying writing this and all I want is a giant HUG
I feel so alone........
Like the world is against me, like everything i do is wrong & like everything is my fault, an as a survivor my other feelings of guilt coming flooding back an it hurts even more!! An i don't know where to stand or what to do!
I'm sorry 4 this negative post but i needed to get it off my chest.........
Love to you all guys
Keep well
HUGS
xXx
<3
Tuesday 5 July 2011
Tear Are the Safety Valve of the heart
Tears are the safety Valve of our hearts!!
Why do some people think that its wrong to cry or to let tears fall!
Most times when i feel tears welling up, I bite them back an hold them in, as if i cry i will be judged, I will be seen as week!!
But to day talkin to my mum my tears fell, I've had a hard week last week an fort back so many tears that when they came i just let them fall an i don't see the harm, I wasn't totally devastated, my heart was just alittle week but yet I AM IN THE WRONG for crying WHY?
She asked why i didn't want to go on holiday with the family an all i said was it the same thing every year an she said you need to learn to bite your tonge, I DID, thats all i did last year and it wasn't a holiday for me not one bit! I came back more exsorted than when i went, i came back more broke then when i went, i came back feeling like i hadn't had a holiday at all bar maybe a few days when i took my self off an sat quietly in the local starbucks, it was the only way to get away from everything!!
I don't have anyone i can chat to while i'm there! I don't have a partner to go chill with an have a drink, i don't have someone to hang out with! My bro & sis inlaw have each other an i'm not that close to my mum, to go chill in the bar, I feel judge by her if i have a drink, so i can't drink that much while on holiday i'm lucky if i have 2 all week, i'm not saying i want to go mad an get totally pissed out me head but a good couple of drinks would be good with out feeling judged!!
Do any of you guys feel judge by what u do or how u act?
An why is it family make us feel the worse of all!?!
Why do some people think that its wrong to cry or to let tears fall!
Most times when i feel tears welling up, I bite them back an hold them in, as if i cry i will be judged, I will be seen as week!!
But to day talkin to my mum my tears fell, I've had a hard week last week an fort back so many tears that when they came i just let them fall an i don't see the harm, I wasn't totally devastated, my heart was just alittle week but yet I AM IN THE WRONG for crying WHY?
She asked why i didn't want to go on holiday with the family an all i said was it the same thing every year an she said you need to learn to bite your tonge, I DID, thats all i did last year and it wasn't a holiday for me not one bit! I came back more exsorted than when i went, i came back more broke then when i went, i came back feeling like i hadn't had a holiday at all bar maybe a few days when i took my self off an sat quietly in the local starbucks, it was the only way to get away from everything!!
I don't have anyone i can chat to while i'm there! I don't have a partner to go chill with an have a drink, i don't have someone to hang out with! My bro & sis inlaw have each other an i'm not that close to my mum, to go chill in the bar, I feel judge by her if i have a drink, so i can't drink that much while on holiday i'm lucky if i have 2 all week, i'm not saying i want to go mad an get totally pissed out me head but a good couple of drinks would be good with out feeling judged!!
Do any of you guys feel judge by what u do or how u act?
An why is it family make us feel the worse of all!?!
Monday 30 May 2011
Life
Life runs in circles!!
Today i was havin an alright day until nearing the end of my shift when the bloke who has been harassing me at who arrived and my life fell apart again!!
His words are really getting to me now an d even tho I have reported him i just don't know if they are taking this seriously and i feel lost again!!
I don't know how to feel except lost! and oh so alone!!
Talking to you guys is helpin me move 4 ward and I hope some of what i write is helping some of you guys!!
But why is it when you think your getting on the top something comes from the side or behind an knocks you for six!! WHY?
NOW life is well mad!!
On a up note
The Joyful Heart foundation won $65,000 in the commity chase give away!! WAY TO GO Joyful Hearts hears to helping with end the back log!!!
Take care
Guys
Luv ya
Today i was havin an alright day until nearing the end of my shift when the bloke who has been harassing me at who arrived and my life fell apart again!!
His words are really getting to me now an d even tho I have reported him i just don't know if they are taking this seriously and i feel lost again!!
I don't know how to feel except lost! and oh so alone!!
Talking to you guys is helpin me move 4 ward and I hope some of what i write is helping some of you guys!!
But why is it when you think your getting on the top something comes from the side or behind an knocks you for six!! WHY?
NOW life is well mad!!
On a up note
The Joyful Heart foundation won $65,000 in the commity chase give away!! WAY TO GO Joyful Hearts hears to helping with end the back log!!!
Take care
Guys
Luv ya
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