Not knowing what to say but feel like jumping anyway.......

I can't explain how I'm feeling right now, I know I'm hurting but it feels so raw so painful it's not eating away at me but its grinding away slowly!
When I decided to brake my silence I didn't realise the pain would be so eminence, but i knew i needed to deal with it deal with everything!!
I hate the way I feel at the moment I feel like a burden, Like I'm taking up peoples times an that I should just shut up an not talk about it, an at times I feel so alone in all this!! I know I have to take the leap of faith to go for counselling to get that help but what do I say How do I say it, Every time I go to talk I block up an I'm shacking inside an sometimes on the outside too!!
Why am I such a burden why do i feel so alone!!
I talked to someone today an she said you ave friends around you who are here to support you but at time even tho I have those friends I feel so alone!!
That same person listened so attentively while I told her I had a flash back the other day that I felt horride an bad for being so silly, that I felt bad for drinking so much at the works party! That I cried on someones shoulder at the party but couldn't physically tell them what the matter was, that I was so scared, that I thought i was loosing the plot That I hurt so much!!
She said we learn from those drinkin sessions that we shouldn't do it, an I know I shouldn't do it but I think its become a coping mechanism, I don't have a problem with alcohol but that I use it to cover up the pain an hurt but it doesn't work it makes things ten times worse an plays on every bit of my vulnerability an I end up worse!! I had know one at the party the other night, no one who knew about my past my secret an I felt so alone an suddenly in the middle of the dance floor SO vulnerable so scared so lost so alone so omg i can't explain it! Can't explain the pain, an I just started to cry, I couldn't cope! An I just cried!! The persons shoulder I was crying on kept saying an asking me what the matter was an I just said I can't say, its to hard, I just can't!! But how do ya say it how do ya say you were sexually assaulted, its not something you just blurt out in a night club is it?
How can I be surrounded by so many people an yet feel more alone than I ever have? that scares me so so much!!
Yes i know I have friends an I have some amazing friends who I talk to about my past but some aren't very close they live millians of miles away an god i can tell them the world but i some times wish they lieved closer so I could go round for a cupper for a chat or even just for a hug!! I love you guys an you know who you are!!
I don't know what to do? how to play the game of life? what step to take next or if i'm about to crash an burn all together!!
An I know no one but me can answer them questions? can take the first steps? can walk the path? but I'm so scared an I don't want to do it alone!?!
Part of me just wants to run away, run away from everthing to not come back to build a new life some where new some where I can talk freely about this some where I feel safe!! A friend has offered me a place to stay next summer when I go visit the states I am so temped to just move over there all together take the biggest jump in my life an move countries a fresh start!! may just look if when I go over for jobs! Might be what I need?!
Ok so I'm gonna say to me self now take a deap breath an take each step as it comes don't rush relax its all gonna be ok?! x

A long road!! An i'm still getting lost x

Ok Guys so i've not written for a long while!
This is because I didn't know what to write, I didn't know how to cope but putting it out there that I wasn't coping was the hardest thing for me to admit too!!
I'm struggling everyday with my secret An at the moment I am finding it hard at times to deal with!! I am so Lucky tho as I have found a place where when ever I turn to it I feel at home i feel loved, I feel everyone knows how each other are feeling or can empathize with the way we are feeling!!
This Place is "The Joyful Heart Foundation" (Facebook Page)
I believe if i hadn't have had found this foundation I think i wouldn't be where I am now I wouldn't be starting the most important journey of all the journey of healing of coming to terms with what has happened to me!! And I wouldn't have met the most amazing friends I could ever have asked for!! Even tho we live millions of miles & oceans apart I have a real connection to them!! Some i talk to every single day an I don't know what I would do with out them, They have become my JHF sisters!!
At the moment I am looking into getting some professional help! I have Phone numbers for helplines (crisis centres) But i find talking on the phone so hard!! I can do it for work that's OK it has never bothered me but for something so personal I find it ever so hard!
The other day i picked up the phone an I called them tho i heard the voice but i just could not speak not one word would come out of my mouth nothing so i hung up!! I wonder how many times a day they must get that how many times do women call up but can't speak, like me find it so so daunting that it hurts!!
I just wish i could speak, Like now i feel i could speak but i know that as soon as i picked up the phone an as soon as heard someones voice I would just blank I would just start to shake, my hands would get all clammy an I would feel like I'm gonna loose it loose the plot!!
I so so want this help but I am so so scared at the same time, its the stangest of feelings!! I want to do Group therapy the most as i think i would benifit from this so much but being in the uk we don't really have much of this at all?!
Anyway I think i'll leave it there this time
I hope this finds you all well?
Take Care
x