BLAME

BLAME bet he's walking around out there guilt free

How can I fond memories of a teacher I respected and who taught me a lot, yet when I entrusted in him something so big, i told him about my assault the day after it happened, he turned to me an said "Think about what you are saying because this could change his (the lad who assaulted me) life for ever"
Why weren't my feeling thought about, why wasn't i believed unconditionally?
I don't put blame on that teacher, but it made me blame my self more, I wish I had pushed harder, an fight more but I didn't an I can't change that but I blame my self!
I said no but he just talked an said it'll be ok! He didn't RAPE me but he did stuff to me I didn't want to happen not one bit but i was scared Not coz he had a weapon coz he didn't but coz of how he was, he told me to be quite in case his brother & his girlfriend heard me! SO even tho I knew someone was there why didn't I scream!!
Some people would say well you are to blame you should have screamed but I couldn't, he over powered me!
So that day in my teachers office an he said those words I closed up coz that teacher planted a seed in my brain, a seed of dought so I an never spook about it coz I can't wreck anyones life now now now it has a hold over me and the other nite it got to much an I started to self harm i cut my arm I wanted to know if i could physically hurt as much as i am on the inside may if i could then my mind would be free but its not going to be free till i face it an talk about it but counselling i looked into coast so much that i don't know what to do!!
BLAME
I
BLAME ME!!!
But why I know in my head an if someone disclosed this to me I would say over an over again its not your fault an it isn't but WHY do i blame my self so much!?!
I need to turn the next corner I so do!!
I want to spread my wings an fly
Fly away an start again build a new life FREE of all of this?!