Change & Asking questions
I know as time passes I'm growing, I'm changing and I have come to accept YES I was Sexually Assaulted and No it wasn't MY fault not one bit! This is one of the hardest if not the hardest bit i have ever had to face the fact I am not to blame and that I am not alone!!
But I have, Don't get me wrong its still not easy but I feel I'm moving forward in some way!!
This year is one hell of a challenging Year but I will climb this mountain like I've climbed all other mountains even if its hard I will get there!!
But i still ave a few nagging questions going round my head big style....
ONE) Do I confide in my mum an Tell her all?! In the hope that she reacts better than I think
Two) Do I go and confront The Teacher (My old Head of year) who I tried to confide in all those years back when it happened, when He tried to RAPE me?, Do i find that teacher an ask him why he didn't do more?, I've blocked half of that memory out and I remember trying to tell him coz i trusted him but i felt alone and unable to talk, I didn't ave the words!! Or did he do as much as he could coz i couldn't talk!! coz i felt alone!! I felt dirty!! Part of me just wants to e-mail him an ask him or talk to him face to face an ask him! Why he didn't push me to talk about it?
I really want to ask him this but I am sooo scared of his reaction or in the worst case the fact He does NOT remember it at all? I don't know whats worse the fact he doesn't remember me or that or him telling me to get a life!!
Maybe i should just get the courage to e-mail him, as i know even tho its 13 nearly 14 years ago he still works at the same school! I feel I need to heal more and talking to people about it an those people i trusted at the time who i now feel didn't do enough!! But what if it was me who didn't do enough?! Maybe i should ave pushed more or talked more to him? Yes i know its not my fault that it happened but maybe i'd have healed earlier if i'd pushed or talk more!!
I just don't have all the answers and I soo wish I did!!
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Thursday, 22 December 2011
I'm all mixed up........
At the moment I HATE living here.............
At mo my bro an his family are living with me & my Mum, so thats 6 of us in one house, Me, Mum, My bro, his other half & my niece & Nephew.
An I hate living here now they've moved it
1) Jess (my brothers other half) hardly does anything yet i work flat out at 2 jobs and go to work with a cold & chest infection and she is taken to bed wiv what i would say was hardly even a cold!!
2) I feel like a stranger in my own home, some days so alone, as if its all my fault!
3) They (not my mum) are so inconsiderate of others, they make noise when other r trying to sleep, leave others to clean up after them do i need to go on......
And this is tearing me up inside I am starting to feel sooooo low and I don't ave a clue what to do about it, Normally I know when I start to get low what to do about it but this Lowness can't be fixed with tablets 4 depression coz the main factor of cause won't change 4 some time!!
I can tell them how i feel but then I'm made into to the guilty party!!
I try to talk to my mum but i hate putting her in the middle it breaks my heart to see mum up set!! I love her sooo!!
I am crying writing this and all I want is a giant HUG
I feel so alone........
Like the world is against me, like everything i do is wrong & like everything is my fault, an as a survivor my other feelings of guilt coming flooding back an it hurts even more!! An i don't know where to stand or what to do!
I'm sorry 4 this negative post but i needed to get it off my chest.........
Love to you all guys
Keep well
HUGS
xXx
<3
At mo my bro an his family are living with me & my Mum, so thats 6 of us in one house, Me, Mum, My bro, his other half & my niece & Nephew.
An I hate living here now they've moved it
1) Jess (my brothers other half) hardly does anything yet i work flat out at 2 jobs and go to work with a cold & chest infection and she is taken to bed wiv what i would say was hardly even a cold!!
2) I feel like a stranger in my own home, some days so alone, as if its all my fault!
3) They (not my mum) are so inconsiderate of others, they make noise when other r trying to sleep, leave others to clean up after them do i need to go on......
And this is tearing me up inside I am starting to feel sooooo low and I don't ave a clue what to do about it, Normally I know when I start to get low what to do about it but this Lowness can't be fixed with tablets 4 depression coz the main factor of cause won't change 4 some time!!
I can tell them how i feel but then I'm made into to the guilty party!!
I try to talk to my mum but i hate putting her in the middle it breaks my heart to see mum up set!! I love her sooo!!
I am crying writing this and all I want is a giant HUG
I feel so alone........
Like the world is against me, like everything i do is wrong & like everything is my fault, an as a survivor my other feelings of guilt coming flooding back an it hurts even more!! An i don't know where to stand or what to do!
I'm sorry 4 this negative post but i needed to get it off my chest.........
Love to you all guys
Keep well
HUGS
xXx
<3
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
Tear Are the Safety Valve of the heart
Tears are the safety Valve of our hearts!!
Why do some people think that its wrong to cry or to let tears fall!
Most times when i feel tears welling up, I bite them back an hold them in, as if i cry i will be judged, I will be seen as week!!
But to day talkin to my mum my tears fell, I've had a hard week last week an fort back so many tears that when they came i just let them fall an i don't see the harm, I wasn't totally devastated, my heart was just alittle week but yet I AM IN THE WRONG for crying WHY?
She asked why i didn't want to go on holiday with the family an all i said was it the same thing every year an she said you need to learn to bite your tonge, I DID, thats all i did last year and it wasn't a holiday for me not one bit! I came back more exsorted than when i went, i came back more broke then when i went, i came back feeling like i hadn't had a holiday at all bar maybe a few days when i took my self off an sat quietly in the local starbucks, it was the only way to get away from everything!!
I don't have anyone i can chat to while i'm there! I don't have a partner to go chill with an have a drink, i don't have someone to hang out with! My bro & sis inlaw have each other an i'm not that close to my mum, to go chill in the bar, I feel judge by her if i have a drink, so i can't drink that much while on holiday i'm lucky if i have 2 all week, i'm not saying i want to go mad an get totally pissed out me head but a good couple of drinks would be good with out feeling judged!!
Do any of you guys feel judge by what u do or how u act?
An why is it family make us feel the worse of all!?!
Why do some people think that its wrong to cry or to let tears fall!
Most times when i feel tears welling up, I bite them back an hold them in, as if i cry i will be judged, I will be seen as week!!
But to day talkin to my mum my tears fell, I've had a hard week last week an fort back so many tears that when they came i just let them fall an i don't see the harm, I wasn't totally devastated, my heart was just alittle week but yet I AM IN THE WRONG for crying WHY?
She asked why i didn't want to go on holiday with the family an all i said was it the same thing every year an she said you need to learn to bite your tonge, I DID, thats all i did last year and it wasn't a holiday for me not one bit! I came back more exsorted than when i went, i came back more broke then when i went, i came back feeling like i hadn't had a holiday at all bar maybe a few days when i took my self off an sat quietly in the local starbucks, it was the only way to get away from everything!!
I don't have anyone i can chat to while i'm there! I don't have a partner to go chill with an have a drink, i don't have someone to hang out with! My bro & sis inlaw have each other an i'm not that close to my mum, to go chill in the bar, I feel judge by her if i have a drink, so i can't drink that much while on holiday i'm lucky if i have 2 all week, i'm not saying i want to go mad an get totally pissed out me head but a good couple of drinks would be good with out feeling judged!!
Do any of you guys feel judge by what u do or how u act?
An why is it family make us feel the worse of all!?!
Monday, 30 May 2011
Life
Life runs in circles!!
Today i was havin an alright day until nearing the end of my shift when the bloke who has been harassing me at who arrived and my life fell apart again!!
His words are really getting to me now an d even tho I have reported him i just don't know if they are taking this seriously and i feel lost again!!
I don't know how to feel except lost! and oh so alone!!
Talking to you guys is helpin me move 4 ward and I hope some of what i write is helping some of you guys!!
But why is it when you think your getting on the top something comes from the side or behind an knocks you for six!! WHY?
NOW life is well mad!!
On a up note
The Joyful Heart foundation won $65,000 in the commity chase give away!! WAY TO GO Joyful Hearts hears to helping with end the back log!!!
Take care
Guys
Luv ya
Today i was havin an alright day until nearing the end of my shift when the bloke who has been harassing me at who arrived and my life fell apart again!!
His words are really getting to me now an d even tho I have reported him i just don't know if they are taking this seriously and i feel lost again!!
I don't know how to feel except lost! and oh so alone!!
Talking to you guys is helpin me move 4 ward and I hope some of what i write is helping some of you guys!!
But why is it when you think your getting on the top something comes from the side or behind an knocks you for six!! WHY?
NOW life is well mad!!
On a up note
The Joyful Heart foundation won $65,000 in the commity chase give away!! WAY TO GO Joyful Hearts hears to helping with end the back log!!!
Take care
Guys
Luv ya
Friday, 27 May 2011
Saturday, 23 April 2011
Thursday, 7 April 2011
Awareness
Its Sexual Assault Awareness & Child Abuse prevention Month!!!
Take a Stand and Let it be heard!!
Lets not turn our heads away but turn our heads towards this subject that at most times stands in the shadows of shame! An shed light in to the darkness that surrounds it!
To Learn More go to www.Joyfulheartfoundation.org
If we were not to take a stand then this darkness begins to win,
It surround these subjects while the light shines away,
The world may seem rosy but its far from
Its deepest darkest truths need to be told
They need this light
It needs to be heard
To show the world we are not scared
We will listen
We will take a stand an
You do not need to shoulder the blame
We stand with you
As we turn our heads towards this deep dark shadow
As we stand together an
Shine the light
PLEASE TAKE A STAND WITH ME & HELP SHINE THAT LIGHT
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