Courage
"Courage desn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day saying I'll try again tomorrow" ~Mariska Hargitay ~
I so need this rite now! I need that little bit of extra courage to get up an try again tomorrow!!
I have some amazing people in my life, who have helped me more than they will ever know!! But sometimes I just wish god would just take me now!! I just want the pain to go away, I know that can't happen over nite but I feel lost @ how i'm ment to move on!!
I want to go away on a retreat somewhere away from normality well home town walk on the sand take in the sea air an talk an I don't know be me I guess an it doesn't even have to be some where warm or hot just a beach with the rawing sea an beautiful sand beneath my feet!!
Xx <3 xX
Tuesday, 23 November 2010
Saturday, 13 November 2010
The Shadow of Guilt an Breaking Free!!
Guilt
"When people are abused and assaulted, it is like the doors to their souls slam shut. The goal of Joyful Heart is to let the light, and the life, back in--to banish the darkness and let the healing begin." - Mariska Hargitay, President & Founder, Joyful Heart Foundation
As a survivor it you carry guilt around with you, well until you over come it!
I haven't yet, but I'm hoping soon I will be able to I need to work at it Work my way through it! I hold a lot of guilt so very close to my chest and I know i have to work through it to bring my self closer to the light at the end of the tunnel but it hard!! I feel guilty for telling people coz now they carry my burden upon there shoulders too but a friend a close friend who is like a 2nd Mum to me told me
"I love you, you are my baby girl, But you really need to get professional help now, I'm not qualified to help you in the way you need help, I soo wish i was but I'm not, An I will be there for you, all the way, Take you too session, be your shoulder after your sessions an hold you on day you think you can't stand but you need to talk to someone processional about what happened and the way you feel"
at first after her saying that I felt alone again I felt she couldn't cope with me talking to her but then I re-played what she said in my head again an again an realised it wasn't that at all it was the fact all she wanted was the best for me, wanted me to be happy me to build my life for me to be guilt free, to feel FREE inside & out and that's all that I want, to be FREE to learn to love my self again to not feel terror from a thought a touch or a sight or a feeling to be free and Feel LOVED, I know people tell me I'm loved but I don't always let my self feel the love I don't let people in like I should!!
I read this the other day:-
"Everybody knows that rape, sexual assault and child abuse happen. Society is willing to look at this reality from time to time, but is just as willing to forget the horrible truth about how many survivors are walking among us. The Joyful Heart Foundation is working to build a community that is strong enough not to push this reality away, a community that acknowledges the dark side of this issue, but endeavors to turn toward the light of healing, the path to possibility and the clarity of honest dialogue." @ Joyful Heart Foundation web page
It makes you think yes there are so many of us out there but we are to scared to stand as one and be noticed but if a foundation like Joyful Heart is pushing our plee forward then it make the world brighter!
Sending lots of love to you all
XXxx
"When people are abused and assaulted, it is like the doors to their souls slam shut. The goal of Joyful Heart is to let the light, and the life, back in--to banish the darkness and let the healing begin." - Mariska Hargitay, President & Founder, Joyful Heart Foundation
As a survivor it you carry guilt around with you, well until you over come it!
I haven't yet, but I'm hoping soon I will be able to I need to work at it Work my way through it! I hold a lot of guilt so very close to my chest and I know i have to work through it to bring my self closer to the light at the end of the tunnel but it hard!! I feel guilty for telling people coz now they carry my burden upon there shoulders too but a friend a close friend who is like a 2nd Mum to me told me
"I love you, you are my baby girl, But you really need to get professional help now, I'm not qualified to help you in the way you need help, I soo wish i was but I'm not, An I will be there for you, all the way, Take you too session, be your shoulder after your sessions an hold you on day you think you can't stand but you need to talk to someone processional about what happened and the way you feel"
at first after her saying that I felt alone again I felt she couldn't cope with me talking to her but then I re-played what she said in my head again an again an realised it wasn't that at all it was the fact all she wanted was the best for me, wanted me to be happy me to build my life for me to be guilt free, to feel FREE inside & out and that's all that I want, to be FREE to learn to love my self again to not feel terror from a thought a touch or a sight or a feeling to be free and Feel LOVED, I know people tell me I'm loved but I don't always let my self feel the love I don't let people in like I should!!
I read this the other day:-
"Everybody knows that rape, sexual assault and child abuse happen. Society is willing to look at this reality from time to time, but is just as willing to forget the horrible truth about how many survivors are walking among us. The Joyful Heart Foundation is working to build a community that is strong enough not to push this reality away, a community that acknowledges the dark side of this issue, but endeavors to turn toward the light of healing, the path to possibility and the clarity of honest dialogue." @ Joyful Heart Foundation web page
It makes you think yes there are so many of us out there but we are to scared to stand as one and be noticed but if a foundation like Joyful Heart is pushing our plee forward then it make the world brighter!
Sending lots of love to you all
XXxx
Thursday, 9 September 2010
BLAME
BLAME bet he's walking around out there guilt free
How can I fond memories of a teacher I respected and who taught me a lot, yet when I entrusted in him something so big, i told him about my assault the day after it happened, he turned to me an said "Think about what you are saying because this could change his (the lad who assaulted me) life for ever"
Why weren't my feeling thought about, why wasn't i believed unconditionally?
I don't put blame on that teacher, but it made me blame my self more, I wish I had pushed harder, an fight more but I didn't an I can't change that but I blame my self!
I said no but he just talked an said it'll be ok! He didn't RAPE me but he did stuff to me I didn't want to happen not one bit but i was scared Not coz he had a weapon coz he didn't but coz of how he was, he told me to be quite in case his brother & his girlfriend heard me! SO even tho I knew someone was there why didn't I scream!!
Some people would say well you are to blame you should have screamed but I couldn't, he over powered me!
So that day in my teachers office an he said those words I closed up coz that teacher planted a seed in my brain, a seed of dought so I an never spook about it coz I can't wreck anyones life now now now it has a hold over me and the other nite it got to much an I started to self harm i cut my arm I wanted to know if i could physically hurt as much as i am on the inside may if i could then my mind would be free but its not going to be free till i face it an talk about it but counselling i looked into coast so much that i don't know what to do!!
BLAME
I
BLAME ME!!!
But why I know in my head an if someone disclosed this to me I would say over an over again its not your fault an it isn't but WHY do i blame my self so much!?!
I need to turn the next corner I so do!!
I want to spread my wings an fly
Fly away an start again build a new life FREE of all of this?!
How can I fond memories of a teacher I respected and who taught me a lot, yet when I entrusted in him something so big, i told him about my assault the day after it happened, he turned to me an said "Think about what you are saying because this could change his (the lad who assaulted me) life for ever"
Why weren't my feeling thought about, why wasn't i believed unconditionally?
I don't put blame on that teacher, but it made me blame my self more, I wish I had pushed harder, an fight more but I didn't an I can't change that but I blame my self!
I said no but he just talked an said it'll be ok! He didn't RAPE me but he did stuff to me I didn't want to happen not one bit but i was scared Not coz he had a weapon coz he didn't but coz of how he was, he told me to be quite in case his brother & his girlfriend heard me! SO even tho I knew someone was there why didn't I scream!!
Some people would say well you are to blame you should have screamed but I couldn't, he over powered me!
So that day in my teachers office an he said those words I closed up coz that teacher planted a seed in my brain, a seed of dought so I an never spook about it coz I can't wreck anyones life now now now it has a hold over me and the other nite it got to much an I started to self harm i cut my arm I wanted to know if i could physically hurt as much as i am on the inside may if i could then my mind would be free but its not going to be free till i face it an talk about it but counselling i looked into coast so much that i don't know what to do!!
BLAME
I
BLAME ME!!!
But why I know in my head an if someone disclosed this to me I would say over an over again its not your fault an it isn't but WHY do i blame my self so much!?!
I need to turn the next corner I so do!!
I want to spread my wings an fly
Fly away an start again build a new life FREE of all of this?!
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
Not knowing what to say but feel like jumping anyway.......
I can't explain how I'm feeling right now, I know I'm hurting but it feels so raw so painful it's not eating away at me but its grinding away slowly!
When I decided to brake my silence I didn't realise the pain would be so eminence, but i knew i needed to deal with it deal with everything!!
I hate the way I feel at the moment I feel like a burden, Like I'm taking up peoples times an that I should just shut up an not talk about it, an at times I feel so alone in all this!! I know I have to take the leap of faith to go for counselling to get that help but what do I say How do I say it, Every time I go to talk I block up an I'm shacking inside an sometimes on the outside too!!
Why am I such a burden why do i feel so alone!!
I talked to someone today an she said you ave friends around you who are here to support you but at time even tho I have those friends I feel so alone!!
That same person listened so attentively while I told her I had a flash back the other day that I felt horride an bad for being so silly, that I felt bad for drinking so much at the works party! That I cried on someones shoulder at the party but couldn't physically tell them what the matter was, that I was so scared, that I thought i was loosing the plot That I hurt so much!!
She said we learn from those drinkin sessions that we shouldn't do it, an I know I shouldn't do it but I think its become a coping mechanism, I don't have a problem with alcohol but that I use it to cover up the pain an hurt but it doesn't work it makes things ten times worse an plays on every bit of my vulnerability an I end up worse!! I had know one at the party the other night, no one who knew about my past my secret an I felt so alone an suddenly in the middle of the dance floor SO vulnerable so scared so lost so alone so omg i can't explain it! Can't explain the pain, an I just started to cry, I couldn't cope! An I just cried!! The persons shoulder I was crying on kept saying an asking me what the matter was an I just said I can't say, its to hard, I just can't!! But how do ya say it how do ya say you were sexually assaulted, its not something you just blurt out in a night club is it?
How can I be surrounded by so many people an yet feel more alone than I ever have? that scares me so so much!!
Yes i know I have friends an I have some amazing friends who I talk to about my past but some aren't very close they live millians of miles away an god i can tell them the world but i some times wish they lieved closer so I could go round for a cupper for a chat or even just for a hug!! I love you guys an you know who you are!!
I don't know what to do? how to play the game of life? what step to take next or if i'm about to crash an burn all together!!
An I know no one but me can answer them questions? can take the first steps? can walk the path? but I'm so scared an I don't want to do it alone!?!
Part of me just wants to run away, run away from everthing to not come back to build a new life some where new some where I can talk freely about this some where I feel safe!! A friend has offered me a place to stay next summer when I go visit the states I am so temped to just move over there all together take the biggest jump in my life an move countries a fresh start!! may just look if when I go over for jobs! Might be what I need?!
Ok so I'm gonna say to me self now take a deap breath an take each step as it comes don't rush relax its all gonna be ok?! x
When I decided to brake my silence I didn't realise the pain would be so eminence, but i knew i needed to deal with it deal with everything!!
I hate the way I feel at the moment I feel like a burden, Like I'm taking up peoples times an that I should just shut up an not talk about it, an at times I feel so alone in all this!! I know I have to take the leap of faith to go for counselling to get that help but what do I say How do I say it, Every time I go to talk I block up an I'm shacking inside an sometimes on the outside too!!
Why am I such a burden why do i feel so alone!!
I talked to someone today an she said you ave friends around you who are here to support you but at time even tho I have those friends I feel so alone!!
That same person listened so attentively while I told her I had a flash back the other day that I felt horride an bad for being so silly, that I felt bad for drinking so much at the works party! That I cried on someones shoulder at the party but couldn't physically tell them what the matter was, that I was so scared, that I thought i was loosing the plot That I hurt so much!!
She said we learn from those drinkin sessions that we shouldn't do it, an I know I shouldn't do it but I think its become a coping mechanism, I don't have a problem with alcohol but that I use it to cover up the pain an hurt but it doesn't work it makes things ten times worse an plays on every bit of my vulnerability an I end up worse!! I had know one at the party the other night, no one who knew about my past my secret an I felt so alone an suddenly in the middle of the dance floor SO vulnerable so scared so lost so alone so omg i can't explain it! Can't explain the pain, an I just started to cry, I couldn't cope! An I just cried!! The persons shoulder I was crying on kept saying an asking me what the matter was an I just said I can't say, its to hard, I just can't!! But how do ya say it how do ya say you were sexually assaulted, its not something you just blurt out in a night club is it?
How can I be surrounded by so many people an yet feel more alone than I ever have? that scares me so so much!!
Yes i know I have friends an I have some amazing friends who I talk to about my past but some aren't very close they live millians of miles away an god i can tell them the world but i some times wish they lieved closer so I could go round for a cupper for a chat or even just for a hug!! I love you guys an you know who you are!!
I don't know what to do? how to play the game of life? what step to take next or if i'm about to crash an burn all together!!
An I know no one but me can answer them questions? can take the first steps? can walk the path? but I'm so scared an I don't want to do it alone!?!
Part of me just wants to run away, run away from everthing to not come back to build a new life some where new some where I can talk freely about this some where I feel safe!! A friend has offered me a place to stay next summer when I go visit the states I am so temped to just move over there all together take the biggest jump in my life an move countries a fresh start!! may just look if when I go over for jobs! Might be what I need?!
Ok so I'm gonna say to me self now take a deap breath an take each step as it comes don't rush relax its all gonna be ok?! x
Monday, 7 June 2010
A long road!! An i'm still getting lost x
Ok Guys so i've not written for a long while!
This is because I didn't know what to write, I didn't know how to cope but putting it out there that I wasn't coping was the hardest thing for me to admit too!!
I'm struggling everyday with my secret An at the moment I am finding it hard at times to deal with!! I am so Lucky tho as I have found a place where when ever I turn to it I feel at home i feel loved, I feel everyone knows how each other are feeling or can empathize with the way we are feeling!!
This Place is "The Joyful Heart Foundation" (Facebook Page)
I believe if i hadn't have had found this foundation I think i wouldn't be where I am now I wouldn't be starting the most important journey of all the journey of healing of coming to terms with what has happened to me!! And I wouldn't have met the most amazing friends I could ever have asked for!! Even tho we live millions of miles & oceans apart I have a real connection to them!! Some i talk to every single day an I don't know what I would do with out them, They have become my JHF sisters!!
At the moment I am looking into getting some professional help! I have Phone numbers for helplines (crisis centres) But i find talking on the phone so hard!! I can do it for work that's OK it has never bothered me but for something so personal I find it ever so hard!
The other day i picked up the phone an I called them tho i heard the voice but i just could not speak not one word would come out of my mouth nothing so i hung up!! I wonder how many times a day they must get that how many times do women call up but can't speak, like me find it so so daunting that it hurts!!
I just wish i could speak, Like now i feel i could speak but i know that as soon as i picked up the phone an as soon as heard someones voice I would just blank I would just start to shake, my hands would get all clammy an I would feel like I'm gonna loose it loose the plot!!
I so so want this help but I am so so scared at the same time, its the stangest of feelings!! I want to do Group therapy the most as i think i would benifit from this so much but being in the uk we don't really have much of this at all?!
Anyway I think i'll leave it there this time
I hope this finds you all well?
Take Care
x
This is because I didn't know what to write, I didn't know how to cope but putting it out there that I wasn't coping was the hardest thing for me to admit too!!
I'm struggling everyday with my secret An at the moment I am finding it hard at times to deal with!! I am so Lucky tho as I have found a place where when ever I turn to it I feel at home i feel loved, I feel everyone knows how each other are feeling or can empathize with the way we are feeling!!
This Place is "The Joyful Heart Foundation" (Facebook Page)
I believe if i hadn't have had found this foundation I think i wouldn't be where I am now I wouldn't be starting the most important journey of all the journey of healing of coming to terms with what has happened to me!! And I wouldn't have met the most amazing friends I could ever have asked for!! Even tho we live millions of miles & oceans apart I have a real connection to them!! Some i talk to every single day an I don't know what I would do with out them, They have become my JHF sisters!!
At the moment I am looking into getting some professional help! I have Phone numbers for helplines (crisis centres) But i find talking on the phone so hard!! I can do it for work that's OK it has never bothered me but for something so personal I find it ever so hard!
The other day i picked up the phone an I called them tho i heard the voice but i just could not speak not one word would come out of my mouth nothing so i hung up!! I wonder how many times a day they must get that how many times do women call up but can't speak, like me find it so so daunting that it hurts!!
I just wish i could speak, Like now i feel i could speak but i know that as soon as i picked up the phone an as soon as heard someones voice I would just blank I would just start to shake, my hands would get all clammy an I would feel like I'm gonna loose it loose the plot!!
I so so want this help but I am so so scared at the same time, its the stangest of feelings!! I want to do Group therapy the most as i think i would benifit from this so much but being in the uk we don't really have much of this at all?!
Anyway I think i'll leave it there this time
I hope this finds you all well?
Take Care
x
Saturday, 20 March 2010
Helping Friends & My Pain too
I hate feeling low
but i hate even more when my best friend is feeling low or is upset, all i want to do it take away her pain an it hard, coz ya can't always do that can ya?
I've had a very low day me self but then my best friend txt an said she had a problem but she couldn't talk about it rite now but tell me later!
Now i'm worried about her, I really am an my head is all over the place, as i have my low stuff goin round me head but I am so so worried about my friend!!
She said she would be ok but hay friends can't help worrying about each other!!
An i guess i am a bit of a born worrier!!
I hate it when there is nothing i can do for them, it hurts me even more so!
I know all i can do is be there for her when she's ready to talk an thats what i'm doing!
All i keep thinking about at the moment is the baby I lost at the moment, its hard when 2 of my friends are pregnant an i feel so much joy for them but the painful memories of loosing my child, keep flooding back!! An last year i think i may have had another miscarraige as i went on a girls wkend away an slept with someone and i was due on the week after I got back an i missed that period, I put it down to being stress as I had only started in my new job in the jan, so waited for next month an i missed that one, i started to panic but didn't want to buy a test as it would make it all real, so i waited another month an it never came but a few days into the next month i started to bleed, but it was worse then a period, just like my miscarraige an i cried I didn't know what to do! I couldn't go to the doctors as i i hadn't taken a test or anything!!
So i guess i don't know for sure if I was pregnant or not!!
I never told anyone as i was so scared an plus i should ave known better then just to sleep around like i did!
But i know thats all to do with my assault now!
Thursday, 11 March 2010
What a Day? Lets run it out x x
Right To start i've had a bad day, well not day late afternoon, i was treated badly by my manager, even tho i am the manager of the setting, i have a management commity
but this is why i have written what i have written below, anyway enough about that here goes:-
Pain
I'm hurting like mad
I hate being treated like this
I feel so angry, sad an upset
It feels like i'm gonna have a set back
I've just been out runnung and pushed me self so so so hard
I ran an ran an ran pushing through the pain, tears started to fall so i pushed my self even more,my friends shouted my name, i couldn't let them see me cry, so i pushed my self harder again, i stopped for a couple of steps then pushed my self up the hill again
We got about about 20mins ago and all i want to do now is go out running again,
I want to push my self again
I want to feel the pain
I've run my self a bath and poured my self a glass of wine but i don't want them
I want to run, I guess its my way of feeling like i'm running away but not actully running away
I think i might go
I really want to go
Oh fuck it i'm off out running again
Mite not go as far but i'm off
I have to I have to get ride of this pain
This temper
Everything i'm feeling right now
I have to do it
I have to run it off
I'm off out now
I went out god i feel so much better for doing the 2nd run, i just knew i had to do it, an now i feel a bit more chilled out.
It was scary running on my own at first esp as i ran down the cycle path alone, everytime a strange man walked passed or cyled passed i'd start to feel scared but when i'd got off the path on to the road, i felt safe again.
But it helped and when i got home i also had a nice relaxin bath, listening to chill out music and drinkin a nice chilled glass of wine,
what more could a girl want?
Anyway
hope you r all well
Take care
keep smiling
the light is a head of us
an i'm sure we'll reach it
xX PinkYorkshireLass Xx
Below is a sort of poem ish, i wanted to share it with you anyway.
i look
i turn
i hate the way i feel
I feel like i am alone in the world
That the world is coming after me
That shouldn't be here
That I should just end it, end it now
but then the next corner i turn
i feel loved by my close friends
who with every tear i shed its wiped away by them
they tell me they are there
an show me they are too
but this is why i have written what i have written below, anyway enough about that here goes:-
Pain
I'm hurting like mad
I hate being treated like this
I feel so angry, sad an upset
It feels like i'm gonna have a set back
I've just been out runnung and pushed me self so so so hard
I ran an ran an ran pushing through the pain, tears started to fall so i pushed my self even more,my friends shouted my name, i couldn't let them see me cry, so i pushed my self harder again, i stopped for a couple of steps then pushed my self up the hill again
We got about about 20mins ago and all i want to do now is go out running again,
I want to push my self again
I want to feel the pain
I've run my self a bath and poured my self a glass of wine but i don't want them
I want to run, I guess its my way of feeling like i'm running away but not actully running away
I think i might go
I really want to go
Oh fuck it i'm off out running again
Mite not go as far but i'm off
I have to I have to get ride of this pain
This temper
Everything i'm feeling right now
I have to do it
I have to run it off
I'm off out now
I went out god i feel so much better for doing the 2nd run, i just knew i had to do it, an now i feel a bit more chilled out.
It was scary running on my own at first esp as i ran down the cycle path alone, everytime a strange man walked passed or cyled passed i'd start to feel scared but when i'd got off the path on to the road, i felt safe again.
But it helped and when i got home i also had a nice relaxin bath, listening to chill out music and drinkin a nice chilled glass of wine,
what more could a girl want?
Anyway
hope you r all well
Take care
keep smiling
the light is a head of us
an i'm sure we'll reach it
xX PinkYorkshireLass Xx
Below is a sort of poem ish, i wanted to share it with you anyway.
i look
i turn
i hate the way i feel
I feel like i am alone in the world
That the world is coming after me
That shouldn't be here
That I should just end it, end it now
but then the next corner i turn
i feel loved by my close friends
who with every tear i shed its wiped away by them
they tell me they are there
an show me they are too
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
