Life forward or back???

I don't know how to feel right now!

Some days are up an some are down but at the moment it feels like i have more down than up days today is a down day!!
All day i have felt down but I have been to scared to talk to my best friend about it! I feel just lately all i have done is cry in front of her an its not how i want to be! I'm holding back the tears! Gluping hard!!

Today I got a form for counselling an it scares the HELL out of me!!
So much so I don't know what to do! I know i need to go to counselling but it scares the hell out of me!!
I want to cry but i don't want to hold anyone back an I hate feeling like I'm a burden, which at the moment i do!! I feel like I'm ONE HELL OF A BIG BURDEN!!

I really don't know if i can do this anymore?!
I don't know how much more I can take?!
I don't know if my life is worth it?!
I don't feel worth it anymore?!

I feel scared of all these feelings I'm feeling!!

I have alot of pain an hurt!!
An thats why I feel I'm such a burden!!


I feel so alone but I'm scared too let people in,
OMG I hate these tears, this pain!!

I just don't feel worth it!!
I feel ugly
I feel FAT
I feel sooooo sooooo horride
I hate me
I hate what i look like
I hate who I am
I really do wonder what people see in me
but i also feel lucky to have such a good friend
who i love!

Xx <3 xX

WHY?

Life isn't too good right now!
I'm so low and don't see an End at the moment, but i made a move & I went to the Doctors and he signed me off work and i have been put on antidepressants, i know it will take a while for them to kick in but its so hard right now!
I just feel so lost an alone right now! I know I have my best friend there and I feel soo safe when I'm around her but I know I can't keep putting on her, I can't be a burden like this but i don't know what to do! I need HELP!!
I'm so scared!! I wish I had more courage than I do right now but I guess i just ave to take each day as it comes, BABY STEPS as they say!!
I just wonder how I'm gonna get out of this! How I'm gonna be good again, I just don't see an end right now!!
But I'm scared I'm gonna loose everything they way I'm feeling right now!!
Xx

courage, to pick ya self up an try again.

Courage

"Courage desn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day saying I'll try again tomorrow" ~Mariska Hargitay ~


I so need this rite now! I need that little bit of extra courage to get up an try again tomorrow!!

I have some amazing people in my life, who have helped me more than they will ever know!! But sometimes I just wish god would just take me now!! I just want the pain to go away, I know that can't happen over nite but I feel lost @ how i'm ment to move on!!


I want to go away on a retreat somewhere away from normality well home town walk on the sand take in the sea air an talk an I don't know be me I guess an it doesn't even have to be some where warm or hot just a beach with the rawing sea an beautiful sand beneath my feet!!

Xx <3 xX

The Shadow of Guilt an Breaking Free!!

Guilt

"When people are abused and assaulted, it is like the doors to their souls slam shut. The goal of Joyful Heart is to let the light, and the life, back in--to banish the darkness and let the healing begin." - Mariska Hargitay, President & Founder, Joyful Heart Foundation


As a survivor it you carry guilt around with you, well until you over come it!
I haven't yet, but I'm hoping soon I will be able to I need to work at it Work my way through it! I hold a lot of guilt so very close to my chest and I know i have to work through it to bring my self closer to the light at the end of the tunnel but it hard!! I feel guilty for telling people coz now they carry my burden upon there shoulders too but a friend a close friend who is like a 2nd Mum to me told me
"I love you, you are my baby girl, But you really need to get professional help now, I'm not qualified to help you in the way you need help, I soo wish i was but I'm not, An I will be there for you, all the way, Take you too session, be your shoulder after your sessions an hold you on day you think you can't stand but you need to talk to someone processional about what happened and the way you feel"
at first after her saying that I felt alone again I felt she couldn't cope with me talking to her but then I re-played what she said in my head again an again an realised it wasn't that at all it was the fact all she wanted was the best for me, wanted me to be happy me to build my life for me to be guilt free, to feel FREE inside & out and that's all that I want, to be FREE to learn to love my self again to not feel terror from a thought a touch or a sight or a feeling to be free and Feel LOVED, I know people tell me I'm loved but I don't always let my self feel the love I don't let people in like I should!!

I read this the other day:-

"Everybody knows that rape, sexual assault and child abuse happen. Society is willing to look at this reality from time to time, but is just as willing to forget the horrible truth about how many survivors are walking among us. The Joyful Heart Foundation is working to build a community that is strong enough not to push this reality away, a community that acknowledges the dark side of this issue, but endeavors to turn toward the light of healing, the path to possibility and the clarity of honest dialogue." @ Joyful Heart Foundation web page


It makes you think yes there are so many of us out there but we are to scared to stand as one and be noticed but if a foundation like Joyful Heart is pushing our plee forward then it make the world brighter!


Sending lots of love to you all

XXxx

BLAME

BLAME bet he's walking around out there guilt free

How can I fond memories of a teacher I respected and who taught me a lot, yet when I entrusted in him something so big, i told him about my assault the day after it happened, he turned to me an said "Think about what you are saying because this could change his (the lad who assaulted me) life for ever"
Why weren't my feeling thought about, why wasn't i believed unconditionally?
I don't put blame on that teacher, but it made me blame my self more, I wish I had pushed harder, an fight more but I didn't an I can't change that but I blame my self!
I said no but he just talked an said it'll be ok! He didn't RAPE me but he did stuff to me I didn't want to happen not one bit but i was scared Not coz he had a weapon coz he didn't but coz of how he was, he told me to be quite in case his brother & his girlfriend heard me! SO even tho I knew someone was there why didn't I scream!!
Some people would say well you are to blame you should have screamed but I couldn't, he over powered me!
So that day in my teachers office an he said those words I closed up coz that teacher planted a seed in my brain, a seed of dought so I an never spook about it coz I can't wreck anyones life now now now it has a hold over me and the other nite it got to much an I started to self harm i cut my arm I wanted to know if i could physically hurt as much as i am on the inside may if i could then my mind would be free but its not going to be free till i face it an talk about it but counselling i looked into coast so much that i don't know what to do!!
BLAME
I
BLAME ME!!!
But why I know in my head an if someone disclosed this to me I would say over an over again its not your fault an it isn't but WHY do i blame my self so much!?!
I need to turn the next corner I so do!!
I want to spread my wings an fly
Fly away an start again build a new life FREE of all of this?!

Not knowing what to say but feel like jumping anyway.......

I can't explain how I'm feeling right now, I know I'm hurting but it feels so raw so painful it's not eating away at me but its grinding away slowly!
When I decided to brake my silence I didn't realise the pain would be so eminence, but i knew i needed to deal with it deal with everything!!
I hate the way I feel at the moment I feel like a burden, Like I'm taking up peoples times an that I should just shut up an not talk about it, an at times I feel so alone in all this!! I know I have to take the leap of faith to go for counselling to get that help but what do I say How do I say it, Every time I go to talk I block up an I'm shacking inside an sometimes on the outside too!!
Why am I such a burden why do i feel so alone!!
I talked to someone today an she said you ave friends around you who are here to support you but at time even tho I have those friends I feel so alone!!
That same person listened so attentively while I told her I had a flash back the other day that I felt horride an bad for being so silly, that I felt bad for drinking so much at the works party! That I cried on someones shoulder at the party but couldn't physically tell them what the matter was, that I was so scared, that I thought i was loosing the plot That I hurt so much!!
She said we learn from those drinkin sessions that we shouldn't do it, an I know I shouldn't do it but I think its become a coping mechanism, I don't have a problem with alcohol but that I use it to cover up the pain an hurt but it doesn't work it makes things ten times worse an plays on every bit of my vulnerability an I end up worse!! I had know one at the party the other night, no one who knew about my past my secret an I felt so alone an suddenly in the middle of the dance floor SO vulnerable so scared so lost so alone so omg i can't explain it! Can't explain the pain, an I just started to cry, I couldn't cope! An I just cried!! The persons shoulder I was crying on kept saying an asking me what the matter was an I just said I can't say, its to hard, I just can't!! But how do ya say it how do ya say you were sexually assaulted, its not something you just blurt out in a night club is it?
How can I be surrounded by so many people an yet feel more alone than I ever have? that scares me so so much!!
Yes i know I have friends an I have some amazing friends who I talk to about my past but some aren't very close they live millians of miles away an god i can tell them the world but i some times wish they lieved closer so I could go round for a cupper for a chat or even just for a hug!! I love you guys an you know who you are!!
I don't know what to do? how to play the game of life? what step to take next or if i'm about to crash an burn all together!!
An I know no one but me can answer them questions? can take the first steps? can walk the path? but I'm so scared an I don't want to do it alone!?!
Part of me just wants to run away, run away from everthing to not come back to build a new life some where new some where I can talk freely about this some where I feel safe!! A friend has offered me a place to stay next summer when I go visit the states I am so temped to just move over there all together take the biggest jump in my life an move countries a fresh start!! may just look if when I go over for jobs! Might be what I need?!
Ok so I'm gonna say to me self now take a deap breath an take each step as it comes don't rush relax its all gonna be ok?! x

A long road!! An i'm still getting lost x

Ok Guys so i've not written for a long while!
This is because I didn't know what to write, I didn't know how to cope but putting it out there that I wasn't coping was the hardest thing for me to admit too!!
I'm struggling everyday with my secret An at the moment I am finding it hard at times to deal with!! I am so Lucky tho as I have found a place where when ever I turn to it I feel at home i feel loved, I feel everyone knows how each other are feeling or can empathize with the way we are feeling!!
This Place is "The Joyful Heart Foundation" (Facebook Page)
I believe if i hadn't have had found this foundation I think i wouldn't be where I am now I wouldn't be starting the most important journey of all the journey of healing of coming to terms with what has happened to me!! And I wouldn't have met the most amazing friends I could ever have asked for!! Even tho we live millions of miles & oceans apart I have a real connection to them!! Some i talk to every single day an I don't know what I would do with out them, They have become my JHF sisters!!
At the moment I am looking into getting some professional help! I have Phone numbers for helplines (crisis centres) But i find talking on the phone so hard!! I can do it for work that's OK it has never bothered me but for something so personal I find it ever so hard!
The other day i picked up the phone an I called them tho i heard the voice but i just could not speak not one word would come out of my mouth nothing so i hung up!! I wonder how many times a day they must get that how many times do women call up but can't speak, like me find it so so daunting that it hurts!!
I just wish i could speak, Like now i feel i could speak but i know that as soon as i picked up the phone an as soon as heard someones voice I would just blank I would just start to shake, my hands would get all clammy an I would feel like I'm gonna loose it loose the plot!!
I so so want this help but I am so so scared at the same time, its the stangest of feelings!! I want to do Group therapy the most as i think i would benifit from this so much but being in the uk we don't really have much of this at all?!
Anyway I think i'll leave it there this time
I hope this finds you all well?
Take Care
x