Helping Friends & My Pain too

I hate feeling low
but i hate even more when my best friend is feeling low or is upset, all i want to do it take away her pain an it hard, coz ya can't always do that can ya?

I've had a very low day me self but then my best friend txt an said she had a problem but she couldn't talk about it rite now but tell me later!
Now i'm worried about her, I really am an my head is all over the place, as i have my low stuff goin round me head but I am so so worried about my friend!!
She said she would be ok but hay friends can't help worrying about each other!!
An i guess i am a bit of a born worrier!!

I hate it when there is nothing i can do for them, it hurts me even more so!
I know all i can do is be there for her when she's ready to talk an thats what i'm doing!

All i keep thinking about at the moment is the baby I lost at the moment, its hard when 2 of my friends are pregnant an i feel so much joy for them but the painful memories of loosing my child, keep flooding back!! An last year i think i may have had another miscarraige as i went on a girls wkend away an slept with someone and i was due on the week after I got back an i missed that period, I put it down to being stress as I had only started in my new job in the jan, so waited for next month an i missed that one, i started to panic but didn't want to buy a test as it would make it all real, so i waited another month an it never came but a few days into the next month i started to bleed, but it was worse then a period, just like my miscarraige an i cried I didn't know what to do! I couldn't go to the doctors as i i hadn't taken a test or anything!!
So i guess i don't know for sure if I was pregnant or not!!
I never told anyone as i was so scared an plus i should ave known better then just to sleep around like i did!
But i know thats all to do with my assault now!

What a Day? Lets run it out x x

Right To start i've had a bad day, well not day late afternoon, i was treated badly by my manager, even tho i am the manager of the setting, i have a management commity
but this is why i have written what i have written below, anyway enough about that here goes:-

Pain
I'm hurting like mad
I hate being treated like this
I feel so angry, sad an upset
It feels like i'm gonna have a set back

I've just been out runnung and pushed me self so so so hard
I ran an ran an ran pushing through the pain, tears started to fall so i pushed my self even more,my friends shouted my name, i couldn't let them see me cry, so i pushed my self harder again, i stopped for a couple of steps then pushed my self up the hill again


We got about about 20mins ago and all i want to do now is go out running again,
I want to push my self again
I want to feel the pain
I've run my self a bath and poured my self a glass of wine but i don't want them
I want to run, I guess its my way of feeling like i'm running away but not actully running away
I think i might go
I really want to go
Oh fuck it i'm off out running again
Mite not go as far but i'm off
I have to I have to get ride of this pain
This temper
Everything i'm feeling right now
I have to do it
I have to run it off
I'm off out now
I went out god i feel so much better for doing the 2nd run, i just knew i had to do it, an now i feel a bit more chilled out.
It was scary running on my own at first esp as i ran down the cycle path alone, everytime a strange man walked passed or cyled passed i'd start to feel scared but when i'd got off the path on to the road, i felt safe again.
But it helped and when i got home i also had a nice relaxin bath, listening to chill out music and drinkin a nice chilled glass of wine,
what more could a girl want?

Anyway
hope you r all well
Take care
keep smiling
the light is a head of us
an i'm sure we'll reach it
xX PinkYorkshireLass Xx



Below is a sort of poem ish, i wanted to share it with you anyway.

i look
i turn
i hate the way i feel
I feel like i am alone in the world
That the world is coming after me
That shouldn't be here
That I should just end it, end it now

but then the next corner i turn
i feel loved by my close friends
who with every tear i shed its wiped away by them
they tell me they are there
an show me they are too

Looking 4ward but god its hard!!

This week has been touch very touch i fell off the healing wagen
I took steps back wards I couldn't believe how alone i'd started to feel
My head & my heart were hurting so much
I sat in my living room alone crying, i thought the tears were never going to end,
i felt nothing but pain, i ended up txting my friend an saying when she'd asked me if i was ok i shouldn't have said yeah, an that i wasn't and that i felt like ending it all, but that i felt bad for feeling that way but it felt like my only way out of the way i was feeling.
I know it wasn't but thats all i could see, i couldn't see an end to anything!
My friends said i'm here for you, your not alone!
Sounds mad but thats just what i needed to hear!!

I sometimes wonder if this will ever stop happening, if i'll ever stop falling off an feeling so alone, so ugly, so unwanted, being a burden to everyone.
These feelings keep coming up time and time again and i begin to hate my self again an its as if i feel like its starting all over again, that it was all my fault that it happened, I sometimes feel like a right sl*t for letting him do what he did to me, but i know i didn't let him do it he just did it, he took something from me that wasn't his to take!

No matter what happens i know I have to fight coz if i don't fight it no one will, No matter how many curve balls life throws at me i know i have to come out fighting and i will survive!!
I can't let him have control over me anymore
I want to say to him
F**k You
I have control back now
You can't hurt me now!!

Walking forward take one step at a time an i will get there!

I want to find support, I know I have support of my friends and omg that means alot, but i sometimes wonder, if i should be going to counselling for sexual assault victims, but i'm scared an nervous and I back out again.
I looked into it but its all focused on rape survivors, i wasn't raped but it was the closet i've ever come!!
I said no an he didn't stop thats hard to cope with! Hard to understand why he did it an why he did it to me!!

I'm trying to look forward but god dame it its hard!!!
Take Care Every1
x PinkYorkLass x

How i've felt an how i'm moving forward

I have felt defenseless, weak, dirty, ashamed, out of control, and a million an one emotions, wrapped up in one.
And at times i still do get these emotions, an they aren't nice feelings at all.

My best friend knew something was wrong before i broke my silence to her and I tried to push her away but she just said you can't get rid of me i'm staying so live with it and it was just what i needed her to say and she said i'm hear when you are ready to talk about it all you have to do is shout!!

On one nite out I told another friend an we talked about what happened, and that nite i think i hit a brick wall, know i know i did, and I cried so so much, I even hit my self as i felt I had been so stupid for letting it happen to me but I managed to climbed over the other side, but the next day something happened i felt so different!
I had finally realised it wasn't my fault, I wasn't the one to blame!
That was my biggest step and it was as if i had changed within that week, it was as if i'd changed but not all together just changed into more of me and i didn't have that sheild around me anymore, that was last month.

I haven't told me mum about what happened as i know she wouldn't understand at all!! You see me & my mum don't have the best relationship but thats another story an i'm not gonna go into it now!
I know that sounds bad but its taken me 12 years to break my silence and i'm recovering and I only need the people i have chosen to know to know not coz i'm ashamed but coz thats the way i want it, Everyone heals differently and this is how I am doing it!

I don't have all the answers, but i'm healing and i know how hard it is, I know that some morning i have not wanted to get up in the morning but i did and i put that smile on and laughed, an i'm telling ya laughing has brought me joy, I know i have far to go and i need to take everyday as it comes and thats my biggest advice to you all to take everyday as it comes.
An when you feel your self laughing at something let your self laugh an don't feel guilty about it, laugh so hard it hurts it mite change how you feel that day!
Keep smiling hun
and remember you are the special person who deserves the very best, even if you don't feel it right now!
x PinkYorkshireLass x

What does being Touch mean?

touch

am I touch I don't know i think parts of me are touch an other parts aren't so touch but i guess i must be a bit touch as I have survivored an i am starting to heal i am coming out the other side.
I still find some men scary an feel very imtimated by them I don't fink i'll ever over come this but I'm learning to live with it I guess.
But my friends have said i'm a touch chick, who takes on anything, guess its the same as being fearless?
But am I fearless?
I guess by doing this blog I am becoming more and more fearless as time passes!
One close friend said to me once after i had a tattoo saying fearless done on my wrist that by god hun that tattoo really does suit you, you really are fearless, that must have hurt so much?
AN yes at times I am really really fearless I don't think about the fear of the pain I look at it in a different way esp now i know i can do it.
Whats stopping me?
When i was in my late teens and early 20's I didn't do stuff coz i was scared of what i may find, yes i had tattoo's done but i guess that was a small part of me trying to get out, I had a chance at one point to move to america but i never took it, I was gonna move over to be a nanny but coz of my mum's fears i did as she said an never went an now i wish i had gone an done it, don't get me wrong i don't regret my decision I made but i wish i had made a different one but I can't change it now so I don't let it worry me! Hay if i'd made the decision i wouldn't have met the people i have, I wouldn't have met my best friend, maybe i would have kept my secret locked up for ever an not told anyone an that wouldn't have done me any good would it?
A friend from work has gone traveling in Auz an she's having so much fun and thats brilliant, but she asked me before she made the descision "Pink what should I do? do you think I should go?"
So i said to her "Go for it girl, theres stuff from my past i wished i'd done but now I can't do it, so you go live ya life hun an do what ya want when ya can"

I know at 27 i'm not old an i have plenty of time to do stuff but i have so much more responsiblties money wize that i can't just up an leave!
I'm doing a job I love with my best friend what more could i ask for?
I'm started to feel like i'm really ready for a relationship now, I'm starting to love me self more now, an if i love me self more then I can see why people like me and love me.
3 months ago I really couldn't see why people liked me I really couldn't it was as if a black cloud was sitting above me, I hated every bit of me self, but now god thats changed i know I'm worth something, I understand why people like me, I don't really like the way i look all the time but thats coz i hide behind my weight behind food behind drinking, going out drinkin an gettin so plastered i could hardly remember anything, yes i still like going out an having a laugh an yeah i may get drunk but i don't do it every week at least twice a week, i'm lucky if i go out every month.
I'm changing all that, changing the way i look i'm starting to loose weight, i'm starting to get my self fit, i'm going running an i am starting to eat better an not eat for comfort, I hate hinding behind food i have done it for years now but thats gonna change!
Hay think i've just realised i am touch
I really am an if i'm touch then i must be fearless
An thats brilliant
Isn't it?
I'm smiling today an thats a special thing coz i'm still smiling even when i'm on me own an its been along time since i did that LOL
So guys if ya any of ya want to talk please comment or mail me an i'll try to help
Keep smiling and stay fearless
PinkYorkshireLass
X x X

Two steps forward & One step back

Two steps forward & one step back

I got back from my run tonight with my friend, i had really been looking forward to it was its my time to run out my problems so to speak, I run with my best friend and get out of it have a laugh an take all my problems out, by pushing my self, I only started running 3 weeks ago but it's helped me loads, an we have alaugh and getting fit at the same time!
But i've had a bad day, work was ok and I was feelin pretty good but then i had to go to do some paper work for my 2nd job with area manager and that was it i was totally stressed out and when we'd finished my head felt so bad I felt so emotional.
I sat in my living room feeling like I was going to cry at any moment, but i kept it locked in coz whats the point no one can hear my cries but even when someone does hear my cries i don't talk so i'm so used to trying to lock it away.
This afternoon I felt like i had done a couple of weeks ago I had a million an one emotions going round my heart & my head an its been confusing me.
An i'm still feeling the same now after my run but not as bad but it's still there still pushing at me i thought the run would help me but no its not!
I feel like I've taken a step back rather than forward I know I'm still healing an its all part of the healing an i know i will never forget my assault but when I have healed my assault will be a scare that I can live with, but to me at times i feel i take two steps forward and then one step back.
This month is extra hard for me tho as 14years ago I lost my Dad he had a heart attack, an he was my world, I spent so much time with him, there was a joke my family that I was his shaddow as where he went I was always close behind.
Not having him around when i was assaulted was hard as I always told him everything our relationship was like a how most girls have with there mothers, but only i had it with him.
I can't undstand these feeling i have at the moment I'm upset about losing him but i've also got these feeling of what happened to me 12 years ago an I really don't know what to tackle first!
God healing is hard but i knew that when i started the jounery when i broke my silence, but i hadn't imagened it being this hard.
But i'm realising that i can't keep kicking my self an taking it out on my self it wasn't my fault what he did to me that blame lays souly with HIM not me!!
And thats one big step i have over come an i know that now!
I guess today i've learnt that yes i may have one step back but hay i've just taken two sets forward an thats the most important bit i have moved forward, an yes i may have bad days but I also have good day and most importantly I am lucky enough to have close friends are helping me every set of the way, and that means the world to me it really does.
And I'm lucky enough to have found The Joyful Heart Foundation, which in has helped me learn, an is contuniously helping me to learn, which in turn helps me heal and i feel empowered from that.
An expressing my self like this is helping me too and in turn i do hope so much that it is help you guys too.
Stay Joyful & fearless
PinkYorkshireLass
X x X

Lost for words

Lost for words

I can’t find the words
To say how I’m feeling
Its just to much for words
To explain
This pain inside it hurts
But I can’t keep turning my back
Locking these feelings away
Has been hurting me
I have to find a way
To explain
This hurt behind my eyes
Please understand
I have to take my time
Its not easy
I need you to believe me
Help me find the courage
I need
To face this hurt
Inside of me
I want to break free
Free as a bird
I’m ready to heal
To walk a new path
To rebuild my life
Moving from victim to survivor
Living life with a Joyful Heart
X x X