Looking 4ward but god its hard!!

This week has been touch very touch i fell off the healing wagen
I took steps back wards I couldn't believe how alone i'd started to feel
My head & my heart were hurting so much
I sat in my living room alone crying, i thought the tears were never going to end,
i felt nothing but pain, i ended up txting my friend an saying when she'd asked me if i was ok i shouldn't have said yeah, an that i wasn't and that i felt like ending it all, but that i felt bad for feeling that way but it felt like my only way out of the way i was feeling.
I know it wasn't but thats all i could see, i couldn't see an end to anything!
My friends said i'm here for you, your not alone!
Sounds mad but thats just what i needed to hear!!

I sometimes wonder if this will ever stop happening, if i'll ever stop falling off an feeling so alone, so ugly, so unwanted, being a burden to everyone.
These feelings keep coming up time and time again and i begin to hate my self again an its as if i feel like its starting all over again, that it was all my fault that it happened, I sometimes feel like a right sl*t for letting him do what he did to me, but i know i didn't let him do it he just did it, he took something from me that wasn't his to take!

No matter what happens i know I have to fight coz if i don't fight it no one will, No matter how many curve balls life throws at me i know i have to come out fighting and i will survive!!
I can't let him have control over me anymore
I want to say to him
F**k You
I have control back now
You can't hurt me now!!

Walking forward take one step at a time an i will get there!

I want to find support, I know I have support of my friends and omg that means alot, but i sometimes wonder, if i should be going to counselling for sexual assault victims, but i'm scared an nervous and I back out again.
I looked into it but its all focused on rape survivors, i wasn't raped but it was the closet i've ever come!!
I said no an he didn't stop thats hard to cope with! Hard to understand why he did it an why he did it to me!!

I'm trying to look forward but god dame it its hard!!!
Take Care Every1
x PinkYorkLass x