How i've felt an how i'm moving forward

I have felt defenseless, weak, dirty, ashamed, out of control, and a million an one emotions, wrapped up in one.
And at times i still do get these emotions, an they aren't nice feelings at all.

My best friend knew something was wrong before i broke my silence to her and I tried to push her away but she just said you can't get rid of me i'm staying so live with it and it was just what i needed her to say and she said i'm hear when you are ready to talk about it all you have to do is shout!!

On one nite out I told another friend an we talked about what happened, and that nite i think i hit a brick wall, know i know i did, and I cried so so much, I even hit my self as i felt I had been so stupid for letting it happen to me but I managed to climbed over the other side, but the next day something happened i felt so different!
I had finally realised it wasn't my fault, I wasn't the one to blame!
That was my biggest step and it was as if i had changed within that week, it was as if i'd changed but not all together just changed into more of me and i didn't have that sheild around me anymore, that was last month.

I haven't told me mum about what happened as i know she wouldn't understand at all!! You see me & my mum don't have the best relationship but thats another story an i'm not gonna go into it now!
I know that sounds bad but its taken me 12 years to break my silence and i'm recovering and I only need the people i have chosen to know to know not coz i'm ashamed but coz thats the way i want it, Everyone heals differently and this is how I am doing it!

I don't have all the answers, but i'm healing and i know how hard it is, I know that some morning i have not wanted to get up in the morning but i did and i put that smile on and laughed, an i'm telling ya laughing has brought me joy, I know i have far to go and i need to take everyday as it comes and thats my biggest advice to you all to take everyday as it comes.
An when you feel your self laughing at something let your self laugh an don't feel guilty about it, laugh so hard it hurts it mite change how you feel that day!
Keep smiling hun
and remember you are the special person who deserves the very best, even if you don't feel it right now!
x PinkYorkshireLass x