My first step Breaking my silence my sexual assualt

I feel like I want to open up an feel again feel the earth beneath my feet, feel my heart open and learn to feel the joy of life again. I want to stop beating my self up over everything I do, stop feeling like I’m a burden, like I’m holding people back.
I know what’s caused all this and I’m working my way through it an god I feel so much better than I did 3 months ago but it’s still holding me back at times.

The story i am about to tell you i have changed names due to confidentiality of the people concerned.

You see 3 months ago I broke my silence after 12 years of it being locked away deep in the darkest bit of my soul and I told my best friend that I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 years old by a lad I went to school with.
I went round to his house to study G.C.S.E English, he said he could help me as I felt I was struggling to get to grips with.
That was when it happened he sexually assaulted me and he tried to rape me.
The next day at school my friend asked me why I wasn’t talking to Bob, and so I told her that he forced him self on me an I didn’t want him to do it she said he wouldn’t do that but if ya upset by it then you need to talk to the head of year then.
So she took me to his office an I tried to talk but the words were hard to say, I said bits but it took time to say it, he asked me question I tried to answer but I was scared, he asked me why did I go over there? Was it really to study I said yes of cause it was I didn’t understand how to write this assignment, an then he said “are you sure?”
so he told me to go away an think about what I was saying as it could wreak Bob's life if what I said was true, then he said I’m sure its just one of those things you go through as a teenager, but if you want me to take it further then write it down,
I wrote it all down but with every word I wrote, what my head of year said rang in my ears, I couldn’t wreak anyone’s life, an may be it was my fault that it happened? Had I gone over to his for something other than home work? I didn’t fink I had but what if that’s what everyone thought!
I would turn everyone’s world upside down I didn’t fink I could do that!
I talked to my friend an she said “well we did talk about you kissing him if he wanted to before you went to his so that doesn’t look good does it I don’t fink he would anything wrong, you kissed him back didn’t you?”
I said “Yeah but……I”
“well then” she said
an I didn’t say anything more about it after that point as I felt I must have asked for it an it was all my fault, as I kissed him back.
I still had it all written out on the pages of paper so I took it to my head of year, in his office he said “So what do you want me to do with this? Do you want me to read it?”
I just shrugged my shoulders as I really didn’t know what to do I felt so intimidated by what he had said before,
Then he said “Kelly has told me what you talked about with her before you went to his house, an what she thinks about what happened so I think the best thing to do is just shred it an we’ll just forget all about it yeah, put it all behind you yeah?”
I felt even more intimidated an so alone so I just said “ok”
I didn’t know what to do he was an teacher, an I’ve always been told teacher know best an not to talk back to them, an stay out of trouble.
An then he shredded it and my story was gone,
So I have kept it all locked up inside from that moment on coz I thought it was my fault, an I wouldn’t be believed ether.

Telling my story has helped me, help me take back control of my life.
Its so hard but I know deep down I’ll get there
I want to live my life an I want to live it with a joyful heart
At the moment I feel like I’m a burden to my friends and that something will set me off and I feel so angry an upset all at once, feel like shouting, an slamming doors an so alone.
I have learnt to hold crying in but that hurts too
I hate that some times I look & feel so vulnerable
I hate that people around me at work can see I’m upset an that just make me more angry coz its showing I’m vulnerable an that I’m emotional an helpless when I’m not.
I know when people at work ask me if I’m ok an I say yeah I’m fine but underneath I know I’m not but I can’t talk about it! I know all they want to do is help but its not easy.
Over the years I have beaten my self up, I have been used by men, an I’ve let them use me, I’ve let them do stuff to me I really did not want to do, I’ve slept with men, an didn’t want to do it at all an just did it because that what I thought I had to do.
An I’ve not known any difference, I’ve let this happen to me! I’ve let people hurt me.
I don’t want that kind of relationships anymore.
Friends I went to school an college with have said don’t be so fussy hun get ya self a bloke.
But they don’t understand its not about being fussy its about being able to trust the right man, an not be used by them.
My best friend has taught me that I’m worth more than just being used I’m worth a lot more, I’ve never felt that I’m worth anything at all an let people use me, let people walk all over me and with me trying to take control back I have started to learn I am worth more than that! I don’t always feel it but I’m starting to learn that I am!
I know I have far to go but in the months that have past I have started to grow an started to heal and my best friend, who I met a year ago and that I have become so close to, she’s like a big sister to me, has really taught me so much, an is always there for me how ever long it takes me to open up.