Looking 4ward but god its hard!!

This week has been touch very touch i fell off the healing wagen
I took steps back wards I couldn't believe how alone i'd started to feel
My head & my heart were hurting so much
I sat in my living room alone crying, i thought the tears were never going to end,
i felt nothing but pain, i ended up txting my friend an saying when she'd asked me if i was ok i shouldn't have said yeah, an that i wasn't and that i felt like ending it all, but that i felt bad for feeling that way but it felt like my only way out of the way i was feeling.
I know it wasn't but thats all i could see, i couldn't see an end to anything!
My friends said i'm here for you, your not alone!
Sounds mad but thats just what i needed to hear!!

I sometimes wonder if this will ever stop happening, if i'll ever stop falling off an feeling so alone, so ugly, so unwanted, being a burden to everyone.
These feelings keep coming up time and time again and i begin to hate my self again an its as if i feel like its starting all over again, that it was all my fault that it happened, I sometimes feel like a right sl*t for letting him do what he did to me, but i know i didn't let him do it he just did it, he took something from me that wasn't his to take!

No matter what happens i know I have to fight coz if i don't fight it no one will, No matter how many curve balls life throws at me i know i have to come out fighting and i will survive!!
I can't let him have control over me anymore
I want to say to him
F**k You
I have control back now
You can't hurt me now!!

Walking forward take one step at a time an i will get there!

I want to find support, I know I have support of my friends and omg that means alot, but i sometimes wonder, if i should be going to counselling for sexual assault victims, but i'm scared an nervous and I back out again.
I looked into it but its all focused on rape survivors, i wasn't raped but it was the closet i've ever come!!
I said no an he didn't stop thats hard to cope with! Hard to understand why he did it an why he did it to me!!

I'm trying to look forward but god dame it its hard!!!
Take Care Every1
x PinkYorkLass x

How i've felt an how i'm moving forward

I have felt defenseless, weak, dirty, ashamed, out of control, and a million an one emotions, wrapped up in one.
And at times i still do get these emotions, an they aren't nice feelings at all.

My best friend knew something was wrong before i broke my silence to her and I tried to push her away but she just said you can't get rid of me i'm staying so live with it and it was just what i needed her to say and she said i'm hear when you are ready to talk about it all you have to do is shout!!

On one nite out I told another friend an we talked about what happened, and that nite i think i hit a brick wall, know i know i did, and I cried so so much, I even hit my self as i felt I had been so stupid for letting it happen to me but I managed to climbed over the other side, but the next day something happened i felt so different!
I had finally realised it wasn't my fault, I wasn't the one to blame!
That was my biggest step and it was as if i had changed within that week, it was as if i'd changed but not all together just changed into more of me and i didn't have that sheild around me anymore, that was last month.

I haven't told me mum about what happened as i know she wouldn't understand at all!! You see me & my mum don't have the best relationship but thats another story an i'm not gonna go into it now!
I know that sounds bad but its taken me 12 years to break my silence and i'm recovering and I only need the people i have chosen to know to know not coz i'm ashamed but coz thats the way i want it, Everyone heals differently and this is how I am doing it!

I don't have all the answers, but i'm healing and i know how hard it is, I know that some morning i have not wanted to get up in the morning but i did and i put that smile on and laughed, an i'm telling ya laughing has brought me joy, I know i have far to go and i need to take everyday as it comes and thats my biggest advice to you all to take everyday as it comes.
An when you feel your self laughing at something let your self laugh an don't feel guilty about it, laugh so hard it hurts it mite change how you feel that day!
Keep smiling hun
and remember you are the special person who deserves the very best, even if you don't feel it right now!
x PinkYorkshireLass x

What does being Touch mean?

touch

am I touch I don't know i think parts of me are touch an other parts aren't so touch but i guess i must be a bit touch as I have survivored an i am starting to heal i am coming out the other side.
I still find some men scary an feel very imtimated by them I don't fink i'll ever over come this but I'm learning to live with it I guess.
But my friends have said i'm a touch chick, who takes on anything, guess its the same as being fearless?
But am I fearless?
I guess by doing this blog I am becoming more and more fearless as time passes!
One close friend said to me once after i had a tattoo saying fearless done on my wrist that by god hun that tattoo really does suit you, you really are fearless, that must have hurt so much?
AN yes at times I am really really fearless I don't think about the fear of the pain I look at it in a different way esp now i know i can do it.
Whats stopping me?
When i was in my late teens and early 20's I didn't do stuff coz i was scared of what i may find, yes i had tattoo's done but i guess that was a small part of me trying to get out, I had a chance at one point to move to america but i never took it, I was gonna move over to be a nanny but coz of my mum's fears i did as she said an never went an now i wish i had gone an done it, don't get me wrong i don't regret my decision I made but i wish i had made a different one but I can't change it now so I don't let it worry me! Hay if i'd made the decision i wouldn't have met the people i have, I wouldn't have met my best friend, maybe i would have kept my secret locked up for ever an not told anyone an that wouldn't have done me any good would it?
A friend from work has gone traveling in Auz an she's having so much fun and thats brilliant, but she asked me before she made the descision "Pink what should I do? do you think I should go?"
So i said to her "Go for it girl, theres stuff from my past i wished i'd done but now I can't do it, so you go live ya life hun an do what ya want when ya can"

I know at 27 i'm not old an i have plenty of time to do stuff but i have so much more responsiblties money wize that i can't just up an leave!
I'm doing a job I love with my best friend what more could i ask for?
I'm started to feel like i'm really ready for a relationship now, I'm starting to love me self more now, an if i love me self more then I can see why people like me and love me.
3 months ago I really couldn't see why people liked me I really couldn't it was as if a black cloud was sitting above me, I hated every bit of me self, but now god thats changed i know I'm worth something, I understand why people like me, I don't really like the way i look all the time but thats coz i hide behind my weight behind food behind drinking, going out drinkin an gettin so plastered i could hardly remember anything, yes i still like going out an having a laugh an yeah i may get drunk but i don't do it every week at least twice a week, i'm lucky if i go out every month.
I'm changing all that, changing the way i look i'm starting to loose weight, i'm starting to get my self fit, i'm going running an i am starting to eat better an not eat for comfort, I hate hinding behind food i have done it for years now but thats gonna change!
Hay think i've just realised i am touch
I really am an if i'm touch then i must be fearless
An thats brilliant
Isn't it?
I'm smiling today an thats a special thing coz i'm still smiling even when i'm on me own an its been along time since i did that LOL
So guys if ya any of ya want to talk please comment or mail me an i'll try to help
Keep smiling and stay fearless
PinkYorkshireLass
X x X

Two steps forward & One step back

Two steps forward & one step back

I got back from my run tonight with my friend, i had really been looking forward to it was its my time to run out my problems so to speak, I run with my best friend and get out of it have a laugh an take all my problems out, by pushing my self, I only started running 3 weeks ago but it's helped me loads, an we have alaugh and getting fit at the same time!
But i've had a bad day, work was ok and I was feelin pretty good but then i had to go to do some paper work for my 2nd job with area manager and that was it i was totally stressed out and when we'd finished my head felt so bad I felt so emotional.
I sat in my living room feeling like I was going to cry at any moment, but i kept it locked in coz whats the point no one can hear my cries but even when someone does hear my cries i don't talk so i'm so used to trying to lock it away.
This afternoon I felt like i had done a couple of weeks ago I had a million an one emotions going round my heart & my head an its been confusing me.
An i'm still feeling the same now after my run but not as bad but it's still there still pushing at me i thought the run would help me but no its not!
I feel like I've taken a step back rather than forward I know I'm still healing an its all part of the healing an i know i will never forget my assault but when I have healed my assault will be a scare that I can live with, but to me at times i feel i take two steps forward and then one step back.
This month is extra hard for me tho as 14years ago I lost my Dad he had a heart attack, an he was my world, I spent so much time with him, there was a joke my family that I was his shaddow as where he went I was always close behind.
Not having him around when i was assaulted was hard as I always told him everything our relationship was like a how most girls have with there mothers, but only i had it with him.
I can't undstand these feeling i have at the moment I'm upset about losing him but i've also got these feeling of what happened to me 12 years ago an I really don't know what to tackle first!
God healing is hard but i knew that when i started the jounery when i broke my silence, but i hadn't imagened it being this hard.
But i'm realising that i can't keep kicking my self an taking it out on my self it wasn't my fault what he did to me that blame lays souly with HIM not me!!
And thats one big step i have over come an i know that now!
I guess today i've learnt that yes i may have one step back but hay i've just taken two sets forward an thats the most important bit i have moved forward, an yes i may have bad days but I also have good day and most importantly I am lucky enough to have close friends are helping me every set of the way, and that means the world to me it really does.
And I'm lucky enough to have found The Joyful Heart Foundation, which in has helped me learn, an is contuniously helping me to learn, which in turn helps me heal and i feel empowered from that.
An expressing my self like this is helping me too and in turn i do hope so much that it is help you guys too.
Stay Joyful & fearless
PinkYorkshireLass
X x X

Lost for words

Lost for words

I can’t find the words
To say how I’m feeling
Its just to much for words
To explain
This pain inside it hurts
But I can’t keep turning my back
Locking these feelings away
Has been hurting me
I have to find a way
To explain
This hurt behind my eyes
Please understand
I have to take my time
Its not easy
I need you to believe me
Help me find the courage
I need
To face this hurt
Inside of me
I want to break free
Free as a bird
I’m ready to heal
To walk a new path
To rebuild my life
Moving from victim to survivor
Living life with a Joyful Heart
X x X

My first step Breaking my silence my sexual assualt

I feel like I want to open up an feel again feel the earth beneath my feet, feel my heart open and learn to feel the joy of life again. I want to stop beating my self up over everything I do, stop feeling like I’m a burden, like I’m holding people back.
I know what’s caused all this and I’m working my way through it an god I feel so much better than I did 3 months ago but it’s still holding me back at times.

The story i am about to tell you i have changed names due to confidentiality of the people concerned.

You see 3 months ago I broke my silence after 12 years of it being locked away deep in the darkest bit of my soul and I told my best friend that I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 years old by a lad I went to school with.
I went round to his house to study G.C.S.E English, he said he could help me as I felt I was struggling to get to grips with.
That was when it happened he sexually assaulted me and he tried to rape me.
The next day at school my friend asked me why I wasn’t talking to Bob, and so I told her that he forced him self on me an I didn’t want him to do it she said he wouldn’t do that but if ya upset by it then you need to talk to the head of year then.
So she took me to his office an I tried to talk but the words were hard to say, I said bits but it took time to say it, he asked me question I tried to answer but I was scared, he asked me why did I go over there? Was it really to study I said yes of cause it was I didn’t understand how to write this assignment, an then he said “are you sure?”
so he told me to go away an think about what I was saying as it could wreak Bob's life if what I said was true, then he said I’m sure its just one of those things you go through as a teenager, but if you want me to take it further then write it down,
I wrote it all down but with every word I wrote, what my head of year said rang in my ears, I couldn’t wreak anyone’s life, an may be it was my fault that it happened? Had I gone over to his for something other than home work? I didn’t fink I had but what if that’s what everyone thought!
I would turn everyone’s world upside down I didn’t fink I could do that!
I talked to my friend an she said “well we did talk about you kissing him if he wanted to before you went to his so that doesn’t look good does it I don’t fink he would anything wrong, you kissed him back didn’t you?”
I said “Yeah but……I”
“well then” she said
an I didn’t say anything more about it after that point as I felt I must have asked for it an it was all my fault, as I kissed him back.
I still had it all written out on the pages of paper so I took it to my head of year, in his office he said “So what do you want me to do with this? Do you want me to read it?”
I just shrugged my shoulders as I really didn’t know what to do I felt so intimidated by what he had said before,
Then he said “Kelly has told me what you talked about with her before you went to his house, an what she thinks about what happened so I think the best thing to do is just shred it an we’ll just forget all about it yeah, put it all behind you yeah?”
I felt even more intimidated an so alone so I just said “ok”
I didn’t know what to do he was an teacher, an I’ve always been told teacher know best an not to talk back to them, an stay out of trouble.
An then he shredded it and my story was gone,
So I have kept it all locked up inside from that moment on coz I thought it was my fault, an I wouldn’t be believed ether.

Telling my story has helped me, help me take back control of my life.
Its so hard but I know deep down I’ll get there
I want to live my life an I want to live it with a joyful heart
At the moment I feel like I’m a burden to my friends and that something will set me off and I feel so angry an upset all at once, feel like shouting, an slamming doors an so alone.
I have learnt to hold crying in but that hurts too
I hate that some times I look & feel so vulnerable
I hate that people around me at work can see I’m upset an that just make me more angry coz its showing I’m vulnerable an that I’m emotional an helpless when I’m not.
I know when people at work ask me if I’m ok an I say yeah I’m fine but underneath I know I’m not but I can’t talk about it! I know all they want to do is help but its not easy.
Over the years I have beaten my self up, I have been used by men, an I’ve let them use me, I’ve let them do stuff to me I really did not want to do, I’ve slept with men, an didn’t want to do it at all an just did it because that what I thought I had to do.
An I’ve not known any difference, I’ve let this happen to me! I’ve let people hurt me.
I don’t want that kind of relationships anymore.
Friends I went to school an college with have said don’t be so fussy hun get ya self a bloke.
But they don’t understand its not about being fussy its about being able to trust the right man, an not be used by them.
My best friend has taught me that I’m worth more than just being used I’m worth a lot more, I’ve never felt that I’m worth anything at all an let people use me, let people walk all over me and with me trying to take control back I have started to learn I am worth more than that! I don’t always feel it but I’m starting to learn that I am!
I know I have far to go but in the months that have past I have started to grow an started to heal and my best friend, who I met a year ago and that I have become so close to, she’s like a big sister to me, has really taught me so much, an is always there for me how ever long it takes me to open up.