Today.............
For the 1st time since I finished Group I went back to Survive Coffee Morning and I am sooooo Glad I did even tho I paid alot on car parking which I hating doing but had to coz I was running late, I went and By god do I feel good for going!
I am soooo Glad I took my self & Pushed my self to go coz I feel good now!
I am hoping to go next week too as i know if I manage to get this job I am interviewing for Next month I won't be able to go for along time, So I am glad I am able to make the most out of it now while I am here!!
Life Is changing and I'm excited for the change am excited to start again to see some new beginnings again to live an learn again to begin again!!!
Am starting to see the light at the end of this extremely long tunnel I have been traveling and that brings me joy an happiness!
I don't feel the looming shaddow I once felt surround me an consume me, I feel light shining through now its a new beginning I hope! An to have hope Is amazingly wonderful
Love you all
Please Take care
xx
Monday, 10 September 2012
Monday, 27 August 2012
One Step And Each Day as it comes..............
I, even tho at times lately have felt like I've hit rock bottom, I'm coming out the other side for sure!!
I just have to take Each Day As It Comes & One Step At A Time!!
That's my biggest lesson an I guess at times i'm still learning it!
But thats ok tooo, Even tho we don't know it or realise it we are learning from each day an thats something to be proud of!!
I have an amazing trip planned for Very Soon to a city I have been dreaming to visit/live since I was a little girl!!!
I guess Dreams do come true......................................
(Well visit maybe live another time)
If I can make this happen then I guess i can make other things happen an that makes me happy coz I am starting to believe in my self again
...................****I BELIEVE IN MY SELF AGAIN****......................
wooooop wooooooop
To me this is sooo big, to start believing again,
to start trusting again
I truly didn't think I would see the day
and that what make me a survivor
I survived the trauma
I can survive the recovery
The Healing journey maybe LONG
It maybe it can grind on for miles across weird wildish space
But its my healing story/journey
and I will make it
No matter what!!
The people I meet along my way so far have been amazing, wonderful, generous, brilliant, smart, brave & super Joyful Heart friends & sisters and thats helped me more than words can say or even start to repay,
So I pay it forward (Pay it bk by paying the wonderfulness done upon to me forward on to those who need it)
Pay it forward people you never know that next step could save someones life, could bring them bk to life.............
An don't take everyone for granted as you may find you could wake up with out them one day an you've not had time to say thank-you or goodbye!
I even I LOVE YOU..................!
Ok peeps please take care of your self
an keep taking deep breaths when you need to and don't forget to talk...
((((((HUGS))))))
from Yorkshire (in the UK)
xXx
Friday, 8 June 2012
Wondering........
Wondering...........
This past month has been like a roller coaster, With more downs than ups......
The downs ave felt like they ave gone underground not only down..
My mum has just been down country (6hr drive away) to visit my Uncle (her brother) who has Cancer,
Its not looking too good for him an she said she had to go just incase......
This makes me soooo sad, an breaks my heart to think that he is going through all this its been almost 2 years since he was first diagnosed an he's not given up but he's been realistic an starting to do things he wants to do b4 he dies, this makes me so sad an to think i might not get to see him b4 he goes!
Mum wants to go in the oct half term holidays wiv everyone but I will be in NYC then so how am I ment to go?
An things aren't to good wiv my Money at the moment ether, its just as if my head has been to full with the rubbish of the past that i blocked out everything I had to do! To tell the truth I only just pulled my self through going to group with out even thinking about anything else!!
An i got so far behind in payments for my car that I had to give my car bk, That was hard to admit to anyone an my mum wonders why but I just couldn't talk!!
I don't talk, some times to anyone, it all gets locked up inside till my heart breaks an i collapse, with exhaustion!
But my bro comes home today the day my mum comes bk from the south an he has only gone an brought her a brand new bike!
Ok maybe i'm being a wee bit selfish but he didn't even ask if i wanted to put anything to it! He's got it as an early birthday present now its made me feel like the failure in the family, LIKE I'M CRAP!!!
What makes me feel CRAP is when we brought Mum some flights to her friends in Spain I was going to buy the flights my self 4 Christmas present but rather than looking like the one wiv all the money coz i could afford it then I asked Carl if he wanted to put into it!!
so Now i feel Crappy like I ave nothing an he's rubbing it in so much it HURTS!!
Am I in the wrong to feel this way?
x
This past month has been like a roller coaster, With more downs than ups......
The downs ave felt like they ave gone underground not only down..
My mum has just been down country (6hr drive away) to visit my Uncle (her brother) who has Cancer,
Its not looking too good for him an she said she had to go just incase......
This makes me soooo sad, an breaks my heart to think that he is going through all this its been almost 2 years since he was first diagnosed an he's not given up but he's been realistic an starting to do things he wants to do b4 he dies, this makes me so sad an to think i might not get to see him b4 he goes!
Mum wants to go in the oct half term holidays wiv everyone but I will be in NYC then so how am I ment to go?
An things aren't to good wiv my Money at the moment ether, its just as if my head has been to full with the rubbish of the past that i blocked out everything I had to do! To tell the truth I only just pulled my self through going to group with out even thinking about anything else!!
An i got so far behind in payments for my car that I had to give my car bk, That was hard to admit to anyone an my mum wonders why but I just couldn't talk!!
I don't talk, some times to anyone, it all gets locked up inside till my heart breaks an i collapse, with exhaustion!
But my bro comes home today the day my mum comes bk from the south an he has only gone an brought her a brand new bike!
Ok maybe i'm being a wee bit selfish but he didn't even ask if i wanted to put anything to it! He's got it as an early birthday present now its made me feel like the failure in the family, LIKE I'M CRAP!!!
What makes me feel CRAP is when we brought Mum some flights to her friends in Spain I was going to buy the flights my self 4 Christmas present but rather than looking like the one wiv all the money coz i could afford it then I asked Carl if he wanted to put into it!!
so Now i feel Crappy like I ave nothing an he's rubbing it in so much it HURTS!!
Am I in the wrong to feel this way?
x
Sunday, 27 May 2012
Change & Asking Questions
Change & Asking questions
I know as time passes I'm growing, I'm changing and I have come to accept YES I was Sexually Assaulted and No it wasn't MY fault not one bit! This is one of the hardest if not the hardest bit i have ever had to face the fact I am not to blame and that I am not alone!!
But I have, Don't get me wrong its still not easy but I feel I'm moving forward in some way!!
This year is one hell of a challenging Year but I will climb this mountain like I've climbed all other mountains even if its hard I will get there!!
But i still ave a few nagging questions going round my head big style....
ONE) Do I confide in my mum an Tell her all?! In the hope that she reacts better than I think
Two) Do I go and confront The Teacher (My old Head of year) who I tried to confide in all those years back when it happened, when He tried to RAPE me?, Do i find that teacher an ask him why he didn't do more?, I've blocked half of that memory out and I remember trying to tell him coz i trusted him but i felt alone and unable to talk, I didn't ave the words!! Or did he do as much as he could coz i couldn't talk!! coz i felt alone!! I felt dirty!! Part of me just wants to e-mail him an ask him or talk to him face to face an ask him! Why he didn't push me to talk about it?
I really want to ask him this but I am sooo scared of his reaction or in the worst case the fact He does NOT remember it at all? I don't know whats worse the fact he doesn't remember me or that or him telling me to get a life!!
Maybe i should just get the courage to e-mail him, as i know even tho its 13 nearly 14 years ago he still works at the same school! I feel I need to heal more and talking to people about it an those people i trusted at the time who i now feel didn't do enough!! But what if it was me who didn't do enough?! Maybe i should ave pushed more or talked more to him? Yes i know its not my fault that it happened but maybe i'd have healed earlier if i'd pushed or talk more!!
I just don't have all the answers and I soo wish I did!!
I know as time passes I'm growing, I'm changing and I have come to accept YES I was Sexually Assaulted and No it wasn't MY fault not one bit! This is one of the hardest if not the hardest bit i have ever had to face the fact I am not to blame and that I am not alone!!
But I have, Don't get me wrong its still not easy but I feel I'm moving forward in some way!!
This year is one hell of a challenging Year but I will climb this mountain like I've climbed all other mountains even if its hard I will get there!!
But i still ave a few nagging questions going round my head big style....
ONE) Do I confide in my mum an Tell her all?! In the hope that she reacts better than I think
Two) Do I go and confront The Teacher (My old Head of year) who I tried to confide in all those years back when it happened, when He tried to RAPE me?, Do i find that teacher an ask him why he didn't do more?, I've blocked half of that memory out and I remember trying to tell him coz i trusted him but i felt alone and unable to talk, I didn't ave the words!! Or did he do as much as he could coz i couldn't talk!! coz i felt alone!! I felt dirty!! Part of me just wants to e-mail him an ask him or talk to him face to face an ask him! Why he didn't push me to talk about it?
I really want to ask him this but I am sooo scared of his reaction or in the worst case the fact He does NOT remember it at all? I don't know whats worse the fact he doesn't remember me or that or him telling me to get a life!!
Maybe i should just get the courage to e-mail him, as i know even tho its 13 nearly 14 years ago he still works at the same school! I feel I need to heal more and talking to people about it an those people i trusted at the time who i now feel didn't do enough!! But what if it was me who didn't do enough?! Maybe i should ave pushed more or talked more to him? Yes i know its not my fault that it happened but maybe i'd have healed earlier if i'd pushed or talk more!!
I just don't have all the answers and I soo wish I did!!
Thursday, 22 December 2011
I'm all mixed up........
At the moment I HATE living here.............
At mo my bro an his family are living with me & my Mum, so thats 6 of us in one house, Me, Mum, My bro, his other half & my niece & Nephew.
An I hate living here now they've moved it
1) Jess (my brothers other half) hardly does anything yet i work flat out at 2 jobs and go to work with a cold & chest infection and she is taken to bed wiv what i would say was hardly even a cold!!
2) I feel like a stranger in my own home, some days so alone, as if its all my fault!
3) They (not my mum) are so inconsiderate of others, they make noise when other r trying to sleep, leave others to clean up after them do i need to go on......
And this is tearing me up inside I am starting to feel sooooo low and I don't ave a clue what to do about it, Normally I know when I start to get low what to do about it but this Lowness can't be fixed with tablets 4 depression coz the main factor of cause won't change 4 some time!!
I can tell them how i feel but then I'm made into to the guilty party!!
I try to talk to my mum but i hate putting her in the middle it breaks my heart to see mum up set!! I love her sooo!!
I am crying writing this and all I want is a giant HUG
I feel so alone........
Like the world is against me, like everything i do is wrong & like everything is my fault, an as a survivor my other feelings of guilt coming flooding back an it hurts even more!! An i don't know where to stand or what to do!
I'm sorry 4 this negative post but i needed to get it off my chest.........
Love to you all guys
Keep well
HUGS
xXx
<3
At mo my bro an his family are living with me & my Mum, so thats 6 of us in one house, Me, Mum, My bro, his other half & my niece & Nephew.
An I hate living here now they've moved it
1) Jess (my brothers other half) hardly does anything yet i work flat out at 2 jobs and go to work with a cold & chest infection and she is taken to bed wiv what i would say was hardly even a cold!!
2) I feel like a stranger in my own home, some days so alone, as if its all my fault!
3) They (not my mum) are so inconsiderate of others, they make noise when other r trying to sleep, leave others to clean up after them do i need to go on......
And this is tearing me up inside I am starting to feel sooooo low and I don't ave a clue what to do about it, Normally I know when I start to get low what to do about it but this Lowness can't be fixed with tablets 4 depression coz the main factor of cause won't change 4 some time!!
I can tell them how i feel but then I'm made into to the guilty party!!
I try to talk to my mum but i hate putting her in the middle it breaks my heart to see mum up set!! I love her sooo!!
I am crying writing this and all I want is a giant HUG
I feel so alone........
Like the world is against me, like everything i do is wrong & like everything is my fault, an as a survivor my other feelings of guilt coming flooding back an it hurts even more!! An i don't know where to stand or what to do!
I'm sorry 4 this negative post but i needed to get it off my chest.........
Love to you all guys
Keep well
HUGS
xXx
<3
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
Tear Are the Safety Valve of the heart
Tears are the safety Valve of our hearts!!
Why do some people think that its wrong to cry or to let tears fall!
Most times when i feel tears welling up, I bite them back an hold them in, as if i cry i will be judged, I will be seen as week!!
But to day talkin to my mum my tears fell, I've had a hard week last week an fort back so many tears that when they came i just let them fall an i don't see the harm, I wasn't totally devastated, my heart was just alittle week but yet I AM IN THE WRONG for crying WHY?
She asked why i didn't want to go on holiday with the family an all i said was it the same thing every year an she said you need to learn to bite your tonge, I DID, thats all i did last year and it wasn't a holiday for me not one bit! I came back more exsorted than when i went, i came back more broke then when i went, i came back feeling like i hadn't had a holiday at all bar maybe a few days when i took my self off an sat quietly in the local starbucks, it was the only way to get away from everything!!
I don't have anyone i can chat to while i'm there! I don't have a partner to go chill with an have a drink, i don't have someone to hang out with! My bro & sis inlaw have each other an i'm not that close to my mum, to go chill in the bar, I feel judge by her if i have a drink, so i can't drink that much while on holiday i'm lucky if i have 2 all week, i'm not saying i want to go mad an get totally pissed out me head but a good couple of drinks would be good with out feeling judged!!
Do any of you guys feel judge by what u do or how u act?
An why is it family make us feel the worse of all!?!
Why do some people think that its wrong to cry or to let tears fall!
Most times when i feel tears welling up, I bite them back an hold them in, as if i cry i will be judged, I will be seen as week!!
But to day talkin to my mum my tears fell, I've had a hard week last week an fort back so many tears that when they came i just let them fall an i don't see the harm, I wasn't totally devastated, my heart was just alittle week but yet I AM IN THE WRONG for crying WHY?
She asked why i didn't want to go on holiday with the family an all i said was it the same thing every year an she said you need to learn to bite your tonge, I DID, thats all i did last year and it wasn't a holiday for me not one bit! I came back more exsorted than when i went, i came back more broke then when i went, i came back feeling like i hadn't had a holiday at all bar maybe a few days when i took my self off an sat quietly in the local starbucks, it was the only way to get away from everything!!
I don't have anyone i can chat to while i'm there! I don't have a partner to go chill with an have a drink, i don't have someone to hang out with! My bro & sis inlaw have each other an i'm not that close to my mum, to go chill in the bar, I feel judge by her if i have a drink, so i can't drink that much while on holiday i'm lucky if i have 2 all week, i'm not saying i want to go mad an get totally pissed out me head but a good couple of drinks would be good with out feeling judged!!
Do any of you guys feel judge by what u do or how u act?
An why is it family make us feel the worse of all!?!
Monday, 30 May 2011
Life
Life runs in circles!!
Today i was havin an alright day until nearing the end of my shift when the bloke who has been harassing me at who arrived and my life fell apart again!!
His words are really getting to me now an d even tho I have reported him i just don't know if they are taking this seriously and i feel lost again!!
I don't know how to feel except lost! and oh so alone!!
Talking to you guys is helpin me move 4 ward and I hope some of what i write is helping some of you guys!!
But why is it when you think your getting on the top something comes from the side or behind an knocks you for six!! WHY?
NOW life is well mad!!
On a up note
The Joyful Heart foundation won $65,000 in the commity chase give away!! WAY TO GO Joyful Hearts hears to helping with end the back log!!!
Take care
Guys
Luv ya
Today i was havin an alright day until nearing the end of my shift when the bloke who has been harassing me at who arrived and my life fell apart again!!
His words are really getting to me now an d even tho I have reported him i just don't know if they are taking this seriously and i feel lost again!!
I don't know how to feel except lost! and oh so alone!!
Talking to you guys is helpin me move 4 ward and I hope some of what i write is helping some of you guys!!
But why is it when you think your getting on the top something comes from the side or behind an knocks you for six!! WHY?
NOW life is well mad!!
On a up note
The Joyful Heart foundation won $65,000 in the commity chase give away!! WAY TO GO Joyful Hearts hears to helping with end the back log!!!
Take care
Guys
Luv ya
Friday, 27 May 2011
Saturday, 23 April 2011
Thursday, 7 April 2011
Awareness
Its Sexual Assault Awareness & Child Abuse prevention Month!!!
Take a Stand and Let it be heard!!
Lets not turn our heads away but turn our heads towards this subject that at most times stands in the shadows of shame! An shed light in to the darkness that surrounds it!
To Learn More go to www.Joyfulheartfoundation.org
If we were not to take a stand then this darkness begins to win,
It surround these subjects while the light shines away,
The world may seem rosy but its far from
Its deepest darkest truths need to be told
They need this light
It needs to be heard
To show the world we are not scared
We will listen
We will take a stand an
You do not need to shoulder the blame
We stand with you
As we turn our heads towards this deep dark shadow
As we stand together an
Shine the light
PLEASE TAKE A STAND WITH ME & HELP SHINE THAT LIGHT
Thursday, 3 March 2011
Life forward or back???
I don't know how to feel right now!
Some days are up an some are down but at the moment it feels like i have more down than up days today is a down day!!
All day i have felt down but I have been to scared to talk to my best friend about it! I feel just lately all i have done is cry in front of her an its not how i want to be! I'm holding back the tears! Gluping hard!!
Today I got a form for counselling an it scares the HELL out of me!!
So much so I don't know what to do! I know i need to go to counselling but it scares the hell out of me!!
I want to cry but i don't want to hold anyone back an I hate feeling like I'm a burden, which at the moment i do!! I feel like I'm ONE HELL OF A BIG BURDEN!!
I really don't know if i can do this anymore?!
I don't know how much more I can take?!
I don't know if my life is worth it?!
I don't feel worth it anymore?!
I feel scared of all these feelings I'm feeling!!
I have alot of pain an hurt!!
An thats why I feel I'm such a burden!!
I feel so alone but I'm scared too let people in,
OMG I hate these tears, this pain!!
I just don't feel worth it!!
I feel ugly
I feel FAT
I feel sooooo sooooo horride
I hate me
I hate what i look like
I hate who I am
I really do wonder what people see in me
but i also feel lucky to have such a good friend
who i love!
Xx <3 xX
Some days are up an some are down but at the moment it feels like i have more down than up days today is a down day!!
All day i have felt down but I have been to scared to talk to my best friend about it! I feel just lately all i have done is cry in front of her an its not how i want to be! I'm holding back the tears! Gluping hard!!
Today I got a form for counselling an it scares the HELL out of me!!
So much so I don't know what to do! I know i need to go to counselling but it scares the hell out of me!!
I want to cry but i don't want to hold anyone back an I hate feeling like I'm a burden, which at the moment i do!! I feel like I'm ONE HELL OF A BIG BURDEN!!
I really don't know if i can do this anymore?!
I don't know how much more I can take?!
I don't know if my life is worth it?!
I don't feel worth it anymore?!
I feel scared of all these feelings I'm feeling!!
I have alot of pain an hurt!!
An thats why I feel I'm such a burden!!
I feel so alone but I'm scared too let people in,
OMG I hate these tears, this pain!!
I just don't feel worth it!!
I feel ugly
I feel FAT
I feel sooooo sooooo horride
I hate me
I hate what i look like
I hate who I am
I really do wonder what people see in me
but i also feel lucky to have such a good friend
who i love!
Xx <3 xX
Friday, 18 February 2011
WHY?
Life isn't too good right now!
I'm so low and don't see an End at the moment, but i made a move & I went to the Doctors and he signed me off work and i have been put on antidepressants, i know it will take a while for them to kick in but its so hard right now!
I just feel so lost an alone right now! I know I have my best friend there and I feel soo safe when I'm around her but I know I can't keep putting on her, I can't be a burden like this but i don't know what to do! I need HELP!!
I'm so scared!! I wish I had more courage than I do right now but I guess i just ave to take each day as it comes, BABY STEPS as they say!!
I just wonder how I'm gonna get out of this! How I'm gonna be good again, I just don't see an end right now!!
But I'm scared I'm gonna loose everything they way I'm feeling right now!!
Xx
I'm so low and don't see an End at the moment, but i made a move & I went to the Doctors and he signed me off work and i have been put on antidepressants, i know it will take a while for them to kick in but its so hard right now!
I just feel so lost an alone right now! I know I have my best friend there and I feel soo safe when I'm around her but I know I can't keep putting on her, I can't be a burden like this but i don't know what to do! I need HELP!!
I'm so scared!! I wish I had more courage than I do right now but I guess i just ave to take each day as it comes, BABY STEPS as they say!!
I just wonder how I'm gonna get out of this! How I'm gonna be good again, I just don't see an end right now!!
But I'm scared I'm gonna loose everything they way I'm feeling right now!!
Xx
Tuesday, 23 November 2010
courage, to pick ya self up an try again.
Courage
"Courage desn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day saying I'll try again tomorrow" ~Mariska Hargitay ~
I so need this rite now! I need that little bit of extra courage to get up an try again tomorrow!!
I have some amazing people in my life, who have helped me more than they will ever know!! But sometimes I just wish god would just take me now!! I just want the pain to go away, I know that can't happen over nite but I feel lost @ how i'm ment to move on!!
I want to go away on a retreat somewhere away from normality well home town walk on the sand take in the sea air an talk an I don't know be me I guess an it doesn't even have to be some where warm or hot just a beach with the rawing sea an beautiful sand beneath my feet!!
Xx <3 xX
"Courage desn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day saying I'll try again tomorrow" ~Mariska Hargitay ~
I so need this rite now! I need that little bit of extra courage to get up an try again tomorrow!!
I have some amazing people in my life, who have helped me more than they will ever know!! But sometimes I just wish god would just take me now!! I just want the pain to go away, I know that can't happen over nite but I feel lost @ how i'm ment to move on!!
I want to go away on a retreat somewhere away from normality well home town walk on the sand take in the sea air an talk an I don't know be me I guess an it doesn't even have to be some where warm or hot just a beach with the rawing sea an beautiful sand beneath my feet!!
Xx <3 xX
Saturday, 13 November 2010
The Shadow of Guilt an Breaking Free!!
Guilt
"When people are abused and assaulted, it is like the doors to their souls slam shut. The goal of Joyful Heart is to let the light, and the life, back in--to banish the darkness and let the healing begin." - Mariska Hargitay, President & Founder, Joyful Heart Foundation
As a survivor it you carry guilt around with you, well until you over come it!
I haven't yet, but I'm hoping soon I will be able to I need to work at it Work my way through it! I hold a lot of guilt so very close to my chest and I know i have to work through it to bring my self closer to the light at the end of the tunnel but it hard!! I feel guilty for telling people coz now they carry my burden upon there shoulders too but a friend a close friend who is like a 2nd Mum to me told me
"I love you, you are my baby girl, But you really need to get professional help now, I'm not qualified to help you in the way you need help, I soo wish i was but I'm not, An I will be there for you, all the way, Take you too session, be your shoulder after your sessions an hold you on day you think you can't stand but you need to talk to someone processional about what happened and the way you feel"
at first after her saying that I felt alone again I felt she couldn't cope with me talking to her but then I re-played what she said in my head again an again an realised it wasn't that at all it was the fact all she wanted was the best for me, wanted me to be happy me to build my life for me to be guilt free, to feel FREE inside & out and that's all that I want, to be FREE to learn to love my self again to not feel terror from a thought a touch or a sight or a feeling to be free and Feel LOVED, I know people tell me I'm loved but I don't always let my self feel the love I don't let people in like I should!!
I read this the other day:-
"Everybody knows that rape, sexual assault and child abuse happen. Society is willing to look at this reality from time to time, but is just as willing to forget the horrible truth about how many survivors are walking among us. The Joyful Heart Foundation is working to build a community that is strong enough not to push this reality away, a community that acknowledges the dark side of this issue, but endeavors to turn toward the light of healing, the path to possibility and the clarity of honest dialogue." @ Joyful Heart Foundation web page
It makes you think yes there are so many of us out there but we are to scared to stand as one and be noticed but if a foundation like Joyful Heart is pushing our plee forward then it make the world brighter!
Sending lots of love to you all
XXxx
"When people are abused and assaulted, it is like the doors to their souls slam shut. The goal of Joyful Heart is to let the light, and the life, back in--to banish the darkness and let the healing begin." - Mariska Hargitay, President & Founder, Joyful Heart Foundation
As a survivor it you carry guilt around with you, well until you over come it!
I haven't yet, but I'm hoping soon I will be able to I need to work at it Work my way through it! I hold a lot of guilt so very close to my chest and I know i have to work through it to bring my self closer to the light at the end of the tunnel but it hard!! I feel guilty for telling people coz now they carry my burden upon there shoulders too but a friend a close friend who is like a 2nd Mum to me told me
"I love you, you are my baby girl, But you really need to get professional help now, I'm not qualified to help you in the way you need help, I soo wish i was but I'm not, An I will be there for you, all the way, Take you too session, be your shoulder after your sessions an hold you on day you think you can't stand but you need to talk to someone processional about what happened and the way you feel"
at first after her saying that I felt alone again I felt she couldn't cope with me talking to her but then I re-played what she said in my head again an again an realised it wasn't that at all it was the fact all she wanted was the best for me, wanted me to be happy me to build my life for me to be guilt free, to feel FREE inside & out and that's all that I want, to be FREE to learn to love my self again to not feel terror from a thought a touch or a sight or a feeling to be free and Feel LOVED, I know people tell me I'm loved but I don't always let my self feel the love I don't let people in like I should!!
I read this the other day:-
"Everybody knows that rape, sexual assault and child abuse happen. Society is willing to look at this reality from time to time, but is just as willing to forget the horrible truth about how many survivors are walking among us. The Joyful Heart Foundation is working to build a community that is strong enough not to push this reality away, a community that acknowledges the dark side of this issue, but endeavors to turn toward the light of healing, the path to possibility and the clarity of honest dialogue." @ Joyful Heart Foundation web page
It makes you think yes there are so many of us out there but we are to scared to stand as one and be noticed but if a foundation like Joyful Heart is pushing our plee forward then it make the world brighter!
Sending lots of love to you all
XXxx
Thursday, 9 September 2010
BLAME
BLAME bet he's walking around out there guilt free
How can I fond memories of a teacher I respected and who taught me a lot, yet when I entrusted in him something so big, i told him about my assault the day after it happened, he turned to me an said "Think about what you are saying because this could change his (the lad who assaulted me) life for ever"
Why weren't my feeling thought about, why wasn't i believed unconditionally?
I don't put blame on that teacher, but it made me blame my self more, I wish I had pushed harder, an fight more but I didn't an I can't change that but I blame my self!
I said no but he just talked an said it'll be ok! He didn't RAPE me but he did stuff to me I didn't want to happen not one bit but i was scared Not coz he had a weapon coz he didn't but coz of how he was, he told me to be quite in case his brother & his girlfriend heard me! SO even tho I knew someone was there why didn't I scream!!
Some people would say well you are to blame you should have screamed but I couldn't, he over powered me!
So that day in my teachers office an he said those words I closed up coz that teacher planted a seed in my brain, a seed of dought so I an never spook about it coz I can't wreck anyones life now now now it has a hold over me and the other nite it got to much an I started to self harm i cut my arm I wanted to know if i could physically hurt as much as i am on the inside may if i could then my mind would be free but its not going to be free till i face it an talk about it but counselling i looked into coast so much that i don't know what to do!!
BLAME
I
BLAME ME!!!
But why I know in my head an if someone disclosed this to me I would say over an over again its not your fault an it isn't but WHY do i blame my self so much!?!
I need to turn the next corner I so do!!
I want to spread my wings an fly
Fly away an start again build a new life FREE of all of this?!
How can I fond memories of a teacher I respected and who taught me a lot, yet when I entrusted in him something so big, i told him about my assault the day after it happened, he turned to me an said "Think about what you are saying because this could change his (the lad who assaulted me) life for ever"
Why weren't my feeling thought about, why wasn't i believed unconditionally?
I don't put blame on that teacher, but it made me blame my self more, I wish I had pushed harder, an fight more but I didn't an I can't change that but I blame my self!
I said no but he just talked an said it'll be ok! He didn't RAPE me but he did stuff to me I didn't want to happen not one bit but i was scared Not coz he had a weapon coz he didn't but coz of how he was, he told me to be quite in case his brother & his girlfriend heard me! SO even tho I knew someone was there why didn't I scream!!
Some people would say well you are to blame you should have screamed but I couldn't, he over powered me!
So that day in my teachers office an he said those words I closed up coz that teacher planted a seed in my brain, a seed of dought so I an never spook about it coz I can't wreck anyones life now now now it has a hold over me and the other nite it got to much an I started to self harm i cut my arm I wanted to know if i could physically hurt as much as i am on the inside may if i could then my mind would be free but its not going to be free till i face it an talk about it but counselling i looked into coast so much that i don't know what to do!!
BLAME
I
BLAME ME!!!
But why I know in my head an if someone disclosed this to me I would say over an over again its not your fault an it isn't but WHY do i blame my self so much!?!
I need to turn the next corner I so do!!
I want to spread my wings an fly
Fly away an start again build a new life FREE of all of this?!
Tuesday, 15 June 2010
Not knowing what to say but feel like jumping anyway.......
I can't explain how I'm feeling right now, I know I'm hurting but it feels so raw so painful it's not eating away at me but its grinding away slowly!
When I decided to brake my silence I didn't realise the pain would be so eminence, but i knew i needed to deal with it deal with everything!!
I hate the way I feel at the moment I feel like a burden, Like I'm taking up peoples times an that I should just shut up an not talk about it, an at times I feel so alone in all this!! I know I have to take the leap of faith to go for counselling to get that help but what do I say How do I say it, Every time I go to talk I block up an I'm shacking inside an sometimes on the outside too!!
Why am I such a burden why do i feel so alone!!
I talked to someone today an she said you ave friends around you who are here to support you but at time even tho I have those friends I feel so alone!!
That same person listened so attentively while I told her I had a flash back the other day that I felt horride an bad for being so silly, that I felt bad for drinking so much at the works party! That I cried on someones shoulder at the party but couldn't physically tell them what the matter was, that I was so scared, that I thought i was loosing the plot That I hurt so much!!
She said we learn from those drinkin sessions that we shouldn't do it, an I know I shouldn't do it but I think its become a coping mechanism, I don't have a problem with alcohol but that I use it to cover up the pain an hurt but it doesn't work it makes things ten times worse an plays on every bit of my vulnerability an I end up worse!! I had know one at the party the other night, no one who knew about my past my secret an I felt so alone an suddenly in the middle of the dance floor SO vulnerable so scared so lost so alone so omg i can't explain it! Can't explain the pain, an I just started to cry, I couldn't cope! An I just cried!! The persons shoulder I was crying on kept saying an asking me what the matter was an I just said I can't say, its to hard, I just can't!! But how do ya say it how do ya say you were sexually assaulted, its not something you just blurt out in a night club is it?
How can I be surrounded by so many people an yet feel more alone than I ever have? that scares me so so much!!
Yes i know I have friends an I have some amazing friends who I talk to about my past but some aren't very close they live millians of miles away an god i can tell them the world but i some times wish they lieved closer so I could go round for a cupper for a chat or even just for a hug!! I love you guys an you know who you are!!
I don't know what to do? how to play the game of life? what step to take next or if i'm about to crash an burn all together!!
An I know no one but me can answer them questions? can take the first steps? can walk the path? but I'm so scared an I don't want to do it alone!?!
Part of me just wants to run away, run away from everthing to not come back to build a new life some where new some where I can talk freely about this some where I feel safe!! A friend has offered me a place to stay next summer when I go visit the states I am so temped to just move over there all together take the biggest jump in my life an move countries a fresh start!! may just look if when I go over for jobs! Might be what I need?!
Ok so I'm gonna say to me self now take a deap breath an take each step as it comes don't rush relax its all gonna be ok?! x
When I decided to brake my silence I didn't realise the pain would be so eminence, but i knew i needed to deal with it deal with everything!!
I hate the way I feel at the moment I feel like a burden, Like I'm taking up peoples times an that I should just shut up an not talk about it, an at times I feel so alone in all this!! I know I have to take the leap of faith to go for counselling to get that help but what do I say How do I say it, Every time I go to talk I block up an I'm shacking inside an sometimes on the outside too!!
Why am I such a burden why do i feel so alone!!
I talked to someone today an she said you ave friends around you who are here to support you but at time even tho I have those friends I feel so alone!!
That same person listened so attentively while I told her I had a flash back the other day that I felt horride an bad for being so silly, that I felt bad for drinking so much at the works party! That I cried on someones shoulder at the party but couldn't physically tell them what the matter was, that I was so scared, that I thought i was loosing the plot That I hurt so much!!
She said we learn from those drinkin sessions that we shouldn't do it, an I know I shouldn't do it but I think its become a coping mechanism, I don't have a problem with alcohol but that I use it to cover up the pain an hurt but it doesn't work it makes things ten times worse an plays on every bit of my vulnerability an I end up worse!! I had know one at the party the other night, no one who knew about my past my secret an I felt so alone an suddenly in the middle of the dance floor SO vulnerable so scared so lost so alone so omg i can't explain it! Can't explain the pain, an I just started to cry, I couldn't cope! An I just cried!! The persons shoulder I was crying on kept saying an asking me what the matter was an I just said I can't say, its to hard, I just can't!! But how do ya say it how do ya say you were sexually assaulted, its not something you just blurt out in a night club is it?
How can I be surrounded by so many people an yet feel more alone than I ever have? that scares me so so much!!
Yes i know I have friends an I have some amazing friends who I talk to about my past but some aren't very close they live millians of miles away an god i can tell them the world but i some times wish they lieved closer so I could go round for a cupper for a chat or even just for a hug!! I love you guys an you know who you are!!
I don't know what to do? how to play the game of life? what step to take next or if i'm about to crash an burn all together!!
An I know no one but me can answer them questions? can take the first steps? can walk the path? but I'm so scared an I don't want to do it alone!?!
Part of me just wants to run away, run away from everthing to not come back to build a new life some where new some where I can talk freely about this some where I feel safe!! A friend has offered me a place to stay next summer when I go visit the states I am so temped to just move over there all together take the biggest jump in my life an move countries a fresh start!! may just look if when I go over for jobs! Might be what I need?!
Ok so I'm gonna say to me self now take a deap breath an take each step as it comes don't rush relax its all gonna be ok?! x
Monday, 7 June 2010
A long road!! An i'm still getting lost x
Ok Guys so i've not written for a long while!
This is because I didn't know what to write, I didn't know how to cope but putting it out there that I wasn't coping was the hardest thing for me to admit too!!
I'm struggling everyday with my secret An at the moment I am finding it hard at times to deal with!! I am so Lucky tho as I have found a place where when ever I turn to it I feel at home i feel loved, I feel everyone knows how each other are feeling or can empathize with the way we are feeling!!
This Place is "The Joyful Heart Foundation" (Facebook Page)
I believe if i hadn't have had found this foundation I think i wouldn't be where I am now I wouldn't be starting the most important journey of all the journey of healing of coming to terms with what has happened to me!! And I wouldn't have met the most amazing friends I could ever have asked for!! Even tho we live millions of miles & oceans apart I have a real connection to them!! Some i talk to every single day an I don't know what I would do with out them, They have become my JHF sisters!!
At the moment I am looking into getting some professional help! I have Phone numbers for helplines (crisis centres) But i find talking on the phone so hard!! I can do it for work that's OK it has never bothered me but for something so personal I find it ever so hard!
The other day i picked up the phone an I called them tho i heard the voice but i just could not speak not one word would come out of my mouth nothing so i hung up!! I wonder how many times a day they must get that how many times do women call up but can't speak, like me find it so so daunting that it hurts!!
I just wish i could speak, Like now i feel i could speak but i know that as soon as i picked up the phone an as soon as heard someones voice I would just blank I would just start to shake, my hands would get all clammy an I would feel like I'm gonna loose it loose the plot!!
I so so want this help but I am so so scared at the same time, its the stangest of feelings!! I want to do Group therapy the most as i think i would benifit from this so much but being in the uk we don't really have much of this at all?!
Anyway I think i'll leave it there this time
I hope this finds you all well?
Take Care
x
This is because I didn't know what to write, I didn't know how to cope but putting it out there that I wasn't coping was the hardest thing for me to admit too!!
I'm struggling everyday with my secret An at the moment I am finding it hard at times to deal with!! I am so Lucky tho as I have found a place where when ever I turn to it I feel at home i feel loved, I feel everyone knows how each other are feeling or can empathize with the way we are feeling!!
This Place is "The Joyful Heart Foundation" (Facebook Page)
I believe if i hadn't have had found this foundation I think i wouldn't be where I am now I wouldn't be starting the most important journey of all the journey of healing of coming to terms with what has happened to me!! And I wouldn't have met the most amazing friends I could ever have asked for!! Even tho we live millions of miles & oceans apart I have a real connection to them!! Some i talk to every single day an I don't know what I would do with out them, They have become my JHF sisters!!
At the moment I am looking into getting some professional help! I have Phone numbers for helplines (crisis centres) But i find talking on the phone so hard!! I can do it for work that's OK it has never bothered me but for something so personal I find it ever so hard!
The other day i picked up the phone an I called them tho i heard the voice but i just could not speak not one word would come out of my mouth nothing so i hung up!! I wonder how many times a day they must get that how many times do women call up but can't speak, like me find it so so daunting that it hurts!!
I just wish i could speak, Like now i feel i could speak but i know that as soon as i picked up the phone an as soon as heard someones voice I would just blank I would just start to shake, my hands would get all clammy an I would feel like I'm gonna loose it loose the plot!!
I so so want this help but I am so so scared at the same time, its the stangest of feelings!! I want to do Group therapy the most as i think i would benifit from this so much but being in the uk we don't really have much of this at all?!
Anyway I think i'll leave it there this time
I hope this finds you all well?
Take Care
x
Saturday, 20 March 2010
Helping Friends & My Pain too
I hate feeling low
but i hate even more when my best friend is feeling low or is upset, all i want to do it take away her pain an it hard, coz ya can't always do that can ya?
I've had a very low day me self but then my best friend txt an said she had a problem but she couldn't talk about it rite now but tell me later!
Now i'm worried about her, I really am an my head is all over the place, as i have my low stuff goin round me head but I am so so worried about my friend!!
She said she would be ok but hay friends can't help worrying about each other!!
An i guess i am a bit of a born worrier!!
I hate it when there is nothing i can do for them, it hurts me even more so!
I know all i can do is be there for her when she's ready to talk an thats what i'm doing!
All i keep thinking about at the moment is the baby I lost at the moment, its hard when 2 of my friends are pregnant an i feel so much joy for them but the painful memories of loosing my child, keep flooding back!! An last year i think i may have had another miscarraige as i went on a girls wkend away an slept with someone and i was due on the week after I got back an i missed that period, I put it down to being stress as I had only started in my new job in the jan, so waited for next month an i missed that one, i started to panic but didn't want to buy a test as it would make it all real, so i waited another month an it never came but a few days into the next month i started to bleed, but it was worse then a period, just like my miscarraige an i cried I didn't know what to do! I couldn't go to the doctors as i i hadn't taken a test or anything!!
So i guess i don't know for sure if I was pregnant or not!!
I never told anyone as i was so scared an plus i should ave known better then just to sleep around like i did!
But i know thats all to do with my assault now!
Thursday, 11 March 2010
What a Day? Lets run it out x x
Right To start i've had a bad day, well not day late afternoon, i was treated badly by my manager, even tho i am the manager of the setting, i have a management commity
but this is why i have written what i have written below, anyway enough about that here goes:-
Pain
I'm hurting like mad
I hate being treated like this
I feel so angry, sad an upset
It feels like i'm gonna have a set back
I've just been out runnung and pushed me self so so so hard
I ran an ran an ran pushing through the pain, tears started to fall so i pushed my self even more,my friends shouted my name, i couldn't let them see me cry, so i pushed my self harder again, i stopped for a couple of steps then pushed my self up the hill again
We got about about 20mins ago and all i want to do now is go out running again,
I want to push my self again
I want to feel the pain
I've run my self a bath and poured my self a glass of wine but i don't want them
I want to run, I guess its my way of feeling like i'm running away but not actully running away
I think i might go
I really want to go
Oh fuck it i'm off out running again
Mite not go as far but i'm off
I have to I have to get ride of this pain
This temper
Everything i'm feeling right now
I have to do it
I have to run it off
I'm off out now
I went out god i feel so much better for doing the 2nd run, i just knew i had to do it, an now i feel a bit more chilled out.
It was scary running on my own at first esp as i ran down the cycle path alone, everytime a strange man walked passed or cyled passed i'd start to feel scared but when i'd got off the path on to the road, i felt safe again.
But it helped and when i got home i also had a nice relaxin bath, listening to chill out music and drinkin a nice chilled glass of wine,
what more could a girl want?
Anyway
hope you r all well
Take care
keep smiling
the light is a head of us
an i'm sure we'll reach it
xX PinkYorkshireLass Xx
Below is a sort of poem ish, i wanted to share it with you anyway.
i look
i turn
i hate the way i feel
I feel like i am alone in the world
That the world is coming after me
That shouldn't be here
That I should just end it, end it now
but then the next corner i turn
i feel loved by my close friends
who with every tear i shed its wiped away by them
they tell me they are there
an show me they are too
but this is why i have written what i have written below, anyway enough about that here goes:-
Pain
I'm hurting like mad
I hate being treated like this
I feel so angry, sad an upset
It feels like i'm gonna have a set back
I've just been out runnung and pushed me self so so so hard
I ran an ran an ran pushing through the pain, tears started to fall so i pushed my self even more,my friends shouted my name, i couldn't let them see me cry, so i pushed my self harder again, i stopped for a couple of steps then pushed my self up the hill again
We got about about 20mins ago and all i want to do now is go out running again,
I want to push my self again
I want to feel the pain
I've run my self a bath and poured my self a glass of wine but i don't want them
I want to run, I guess its my way of feeling like i'm running away but not actully running away
I think i might go
I really want to go
Oh fuck it i'm off out running again
Mite not go as far but i'm off
I have to I have to get ride of this pain
This temper
Everything i'm feeling right now
I have to do it
I have to run it off
I'm off out now
I went out god i feel so much better for doing the 2nd run, i just knew i had to do it, an now i feel a bit more chilled out.
It was scary running on my own at first esp as i ran down the cycle path alone, everytime a strange man walked passed or cyled passed i'd start to feel scared but when i'd got off the path on to the road, i felt safe again.
But it helped and when i got home i also had a nice relaxin bath, listening to chill out music and drinkin a nice chilled glass of wine,
what more could a girl want?
Anyway
hope you r all well
Take care
keep smiling
the light is a head of us
an i'm sure we'll reach it
xX PinkYorkshireLass Xx
Below is a sort of poem ish, i wanted to share it with you anyway.
i look
i turn
i hate the way i feel
I feel like i am alone in the world
That the world is coming after me
That shouldn't be here
That I should just end it, end it now
but then the next corner i turn
i feel loved by my close friends
who with every tear i shed its wiped away by them
they tell me they are there
an show me they are too
Sunday, 28 February 2010
Looking 4ward but god its hard!!
This week has been touch very touch i fell off the healing wagen
I took steps back wards I couldn't believe how alone i'd started to feel
My head & my heart were hurting so much
I sat in my living room alone crying, i thought the tears were never going to end,
i felt nothing but pain, i ended up txting my friend an saying when she'd asked me if i was ok i shouldn't have said yeah, an that i wasn't and that i felt like ending it all, but that i felt bad for feeling that way but it felt like my only way out of the way i was feeling.
I know it wasn't but thats all i could see, i couldn't see an end to anything!
My friends said i'm here for you, your not alone!
Sounds mad but thats just what i needed to hear!!
I sometimes wonder if this will ever stop happening, if i'll ever stop falling off an feeling so alone, so ugly, so unwanted, being a burden to everyone.
These feelings keep coming up time and time again and i begin to hate my self again an its as if i feel like its starting all over again, that it was all my fault that it happened, I sometimes feel like a right sl*t for letting him do what he did to me, but i know i didn't let him do it he just did it, he took something from me that wasn't his to take!
No matter what happens i know I have to fight coz if i don't fight it no one will, No matter how many curve balls life throws at me i know i have to come out fighting and i will survive!!
I can't let him have control over me anymore
I want to say to him
F**k You
I have control back now
You can't hurt me now!!
Walking forward take one step at a time an i will get there!
I want to find support, I know I have support of my friends and omg that means alot, but i sometimes wonder, if i should be going to counselling for sexual assault victims, but i'm scared an nervous and I back out again.
I looked into it but its all focused on rape survivors, i wasn't raped but it was the closet i've ever come!!
I said no an he didn't stop thats hard to cope with! Hard to understand why he did it an why he did it to me!!
I'm trying to look forward but god dame it its hard!!!
Take Care Every1
x PinkYorkLass x
I took steps back wards I couldn't believe how alone i'd started to feel
My head & my heart were hurting so much
I sat in my living room alone crying, i thought the tears were never going to end,
i felt nothing but pain, i ended up txting my friend an saying when she'd asked me if i was ok i shouldn't have said yeah, an that i wasn't and that i felt like ending it all, but that i felt bad for feeling that way but it felt like my only way out of the way i was feeling.
I know it wasn't but thats all i could see, i couldn't see an end to anything!
My friends said i'm here for you, your not alone!
Sounds mad but thats just what i needed to hear!!
I sometimes wonder if this will ever stop happening, if i'll ever stop falling off an feeling so alone, so ugly, so unwanted, being a burden to everyone.
These feelings keep coming up time and time again and i begin to hate my self again an its as if i feel like its starting all over again, that it was all my fault that it happened, I sometimes feel like a right sl*t for letting him do what he did to me, but i know i didn't let him do it he just did it, he took something from me that wasn't his to take!
No matter what happens i know I have to fight coz if i don't fight it no one will, No matter how many curve balls life throws at me i know i have to come out fighting and i will survive!!
I can't let him have control over me anymore
I want to say to him
F**k You
I have control back now
You can't hurt me now!!
Walking forward take one step at a time an i will get there!
I want to find support, I know I have support of my friends and omg that means alot, but i sometimes wonder, if i should be going to counselling for sexual assault victims, but i'm scared an nervous and I back out again.
I looked into it but its all focused on rape survivors, i wasn't raped but it was the closet i've ever come!!
I said no an he didn't stop thats hard to cope with! Hard to understand why he did it an why he did it to me!!
I'm trying to look forward but god dame it its hard!!!
Take Care Every1
x PinkYorkLass x
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